Attitude Adjustment

I spent the day updating my retail resume and for the first time since graduating from college I didn't feel like it was a complete waste of time.  In fact, I actually felt a sense of accomplishment.

Look who finally had an attitude adjustment.

I guess I've been walking around with a chip on my shoulder.  I never would have admitted it before because I didn't want to be the 'angry Black girl', but the truth is I was angry.

I had an attitude problem.  I had good reason to be angry but being angry didn't solve anything.  It didn't change or improve my life one bit.  It didn't get me the career or the friends I wanted.  It certainly didn't punish the people who'd made me angry.  All it did was poison my life kept me in the exact same place all these years.  

So I had to change my attitude and release all that anger.  

Changing my attitude meant being truly thankful for the jobs that I did have instead of looking down on them because they weren't my dream jobs.  Changing my attitude meant working just as hard at my retails jobs as I would for any film job.  Changing my attitude meant finding a way to deal with my anger without letting it consume me and hold me back.  It meant fighting for the life I wanted and finding a way to be happy.

Occasionally I may still have a chip on my shoulder.  I may, on occasion, feel angry.  But I don't have to let that chip or that anger take hold of me and prevent me from doing everything in my power to reach my full potential.

So today I've been updating my retail resume and I'm perfectly happy to do it.

New People Anxiety

I knew that at some point, after all the big chopping, allergy testing and cutting toxic people out of my life was done I would eventually make new contacts - whether I was ready for it or not.

I wasn't sure when it would happen or if it would happen.  I think part of me imagined myself living out my days in Los Angeles without ever interacting with anyone again.  At least I'd avoid getting hurt.

But that's no way to live.

Now I'm suddenly in London and I don't feel the need to stay indoors all the time.  In fact, part of me feels excited about the prospect of meeting new people.  The other part of me is scared to death.

Maybe it's strange to some that I have anxiety about meeting new people.  I find it strange myself, especially since I used to think of myself as a gregarious person.  Deep down, underneath all this fear and anger I believe there is still that happy, outgoing, fearless girl running around with her heart on her sleeve.  I want to be her again.  I feel like I could be her again - only wiser and more careful.

I just need to get past this part right here.

I'm doing my mental checklist and reviewing my Former Sidekick Girl Code of Conduct.  As I meet new people in this new environment, I'm carefully monitoring my own behavior and watching out for any red flags.  So far no red flags but one thing I learned the hard way is that people don't always reveal their true selves right away so I'm being cautious and vigilant.  I'm still approachable and friendly but I know my boundaries and I'm taking care not to misrepresent myself as a doormat.  Or a sidekick.

The good thing about going into a new friendship cautiously is that you can observe the new people coming into your life at a safe distance.  I like to pay close attention to a person's actions.  Do they like to gossip about mutual friends?  Do they throw shade and try to play it off as a joke?  Are they the type to leave you hanging or drop you for a better offer?  These are small infractions.  They don't necessarily means someone is a bad person but if that's not the type of behavior you want to deal with at this stage of your life then I recommend reconsidering how much time you want to spend with those type of people.

Personally, I've had my fill of the catty, the backstabbers, the drainers, the users and the unreliable friends.  I don't want to develop a friendship with someone who clearly looks down on me and only wants to hang out when it's convenient for them.  I don't want to be in a friendship where I feel the need to match the energy level of someone else who's clearly performing.

I did all that.

Now I'm ready for real friendships.  People who will go out of their way for you.  People who invite you out not out of obligation but because they genuinely want you to show up.  People who make you laugh not because they're cracking jokes about another person but because they actually know how to hold an interesting conversation.

I used to be a friendship chameleon and a doormat and even a mean girl.  I was probably at my worst in musical theatre school because I wanted so badly to fit in and be liked.

I lost myself and it took a long time to find my way back.

I won't make that same mistake this time around.  Not joining in with the rest of the herd might not make me popular but at least I'll find the real friendships I'm searching for.



Go Be Happy.  Now.

I can't afford valium but I can afford alcohol

I had a tough day last week.

I hope you didn't think this blog was only going to chronicle all the good parts of my post sidekick girl life.  If so, I'm sorry to say you'll be disappointed.  I have decided to pursue a life that makes me happy without all the friendship drama but that doesn't mean there aren't bad days.

And I do still have bad days.
My bad days generally involve a lot of crying and feeling overwhelmed and full of dread.
A panic attack basically.

As a child I got them pretty often.  But when you grow up in a Christian home they aren't called panic attacks.  You're either attention starved or possessed by the devil.  But I was hurting and I needed help.

As an adult I rarely get them.  The last one was well over a year ago.  So I count even this moment of complete overwhelming devastation a victory.  Because somehow - despite that overwhelming feeling of dread and temporary fear of going outside - I managed to leave my apartment and get to work- albeit an hour late.

In the past panic attacks kept me indoors for days.  I called off work.  Skipped class.  Shut myself off from the world because I couldn't deal.

But now I guess I can deal.

I am dealing.

I met a new girl who told me that she takes Valium for her panic attacks.  I've never taken Valium or any type of depression medication before.  I don't know much about it aside from what I've read in books or seen in movies starring spoiled rich white kids and women who start drinking wine at 10am.  All I know is that it's supposed to help ease the anxiety.  I'm not the type to put random pills into my body.  The closest I ever came to that was diet pills- which I don't do anymore. 

Plus I can't afford Valium.

I can, however, afford alcohol.  Don't judge me but a little bit of alcohol goes a long way.  A glass of red wine.  A shot of whiskey.  Or a bit of Khalua in my morning coffee usually does the trick.  *This is not me giving out advice.  Please don't follow my lead here.  I'm merely sharing apart of my life as I continue to work on myself.  I don't think alcohol solves any problems.  If you choose to see it as a cry for help then by all means feel free to pray for me.

This is just how I cope for now.

I haven't made it to the other side of perfect yet.  I only just started this journey and I have a long way to go.  So there are still hard days- really hard days.  Being on my own without the distraction of toxic, drama-filled friendships means I have more time to work on myself. 

And that's a good thing.
But sometimes it takes a little sip of something to get me through the dark days.

 

I can afford a sip here and there.

At Least They Knew Who I Was

In high school, I started a Gospel Choir.  For some reason, that annoyed some of my classmates.  People I didn't even know personally were perturbed that there was a mostly-Black Gospel Choir running around school, singing about God.

I didn't realize we'd offended anyone until I read our student newspaper where a senior athlete (I think he was a football player) wrote an article about me and the gospel choir.  It was a scathing comment and one that should've made me cry.  I distinctly remember my own classmates shoving the newspaper in my face, demanding that I read the article, waiting with bated breath to see my reaction.

Normally I would've given them the show they wanted.

I would've cussed and screamed and complained about the article being printed and everyone would've watched with delight as I had a complete meltdown.  That's what high school was like for me.  White kids would use the N word and everyone would look at me to see what I would say.  White kids would tell racist jokes and again, all eyes went to me for my reaction.  It was a terrible time for me before I learned to play the game - which would not happen for many years.  

So when this senior printed this article about me and the gospel choir I'm quite certain everyone thought this would be the thing that would finally cause me to snap.  But I surprised everyone by laughing at the article.  I was more excited about being in the newspaper than anything.  I didn't care what it said about me.  I was in the newspaper!

Plus, I was a sophomore and a senior knew who I was.  At the time, it was the most exciting thing to happen to me - I was in high school after all.  I thought being notorious was better than being invisible.  And I definitely wasn't invisible.  They knew who I was.  I couldn't tell you who that senior athlete was.  I don't know his name.  I don't know what he's doing with his life.  I don't care.  But I bet when he thinks back on his high school years he remembers the strong-willed little Black girl running around with her Gospel Choir and step team (we formed a step team too!).  He remembers me.

I probably would've had an easier time in high school if I had listened to my friends and family and kept my head down.  But I didn't listen.  Instead I protested.  I spoke my mind.  I made some noise.  Sometimes it was a waste of energy but  every once in awhile I got to make a difference.  Starting that gospel choir and step team was part of that.

I wasn't supposed to keep my head down - I was supposed to be remembered.

As are you.  So don't be afraid to make some noise.  Be remembered.  Start a Gospel choir or a step team.  Hey, maybe you'll even make the school paper.    

On Realizing I Don't Owe Anyone An Explanation

The people in our lives are very curious about us, aren't they?

For some of our friends and family members, that curiosity isn't just about their overall concern for our well-being.

That curiosity is about their thirst for juicy gossip.

Beware of the friend who's always pumping you for information about your life, your other friendships, your family and especially your romantic involvements.  I'm not saying don't trust any of your friends.   I'm saying pay attention to the ones who always seem to want all the juicy details.  Odds are they're either looking for information that they can file away for future use or they're looking to be entertained.

Or both.

As a kid, I wanted everyone to like me.  I was way too trusting and I thought if someone was my friend that meant they were privy to every personal detail of my life.  Because of the circle of trust.  (I watched way too many episodes of FRIENDS and SEX AND THE CITY).

I thought friendship was about sharing all of my secrets and offering explanations when those shared secrets raised questions.

I should've listened to my mom.  She tried to warn me about people - especially females.  The kind of females who would be secretly jealous of my life.  Or the kind of females who mistook my kindness for weakness.  Or the kind of females who liked having a sidekick.  My mom tried to tell me to steer clear of those types of women but I didn't listen.

"But Dawn," she would caution, "Not everyone needs to know all your business.  Some things should stay private."

It turns out my mom was right.  At the time, I didn't heed her warnings.  So I learned my lesson the hard way.  After years of having friends turn out to be backstabbers and bullies and even thieves then turning around and throwing my personal stuff in my face - like my being out of work - I finally realized I should've been listening to my mom all along.

Recently, I was in a pointless argument with a girl who low-key threatened to expose all the secrets she'd kept of mine over the years.  I think she thought she had some kind of power over me because of the things I'd told her in confidence.

What she knows about me is honestly just fun little scandals you'll no-doubt find out about through my blogs and my Youtube channel.  So I'm not worried about her little threats.  Sure I had secrets on her too but obviously I'm a good person.  Just because I didn't want to be friends with her anymore didn't mean I needed to let the world see just how basic she was.  That wasn't my job.

But I was still pretty pissed off.  

That was the final straw - the final lesson that I needed to learn about toxic friendships and keeping my business to myself.
  
What I know now, as an adult, is that people will mistake your kindness for weakness.  They will be thirsty for juicy gossip and if you're the girl who's always sharing her personal business then they know who to go to for a fix.  People will also use your secrets against you if you're not careful.  Whether they throw them in your face during a terrible fight or tell anyone who will listen about that time you took a classmate's virginity as a favor to him - they will find a way to get leverage and to hurt you.

That's just how sucky people can be.

But I finally understand something about trust and how not everyone should automatically have my trust.  I also no longer feel like I owe anyone answers to their probing questions - no matter how much they insist that I share every gritty detail - I can simply say no.  I can change the subject.  I can politely tell them to mind their own business.

It's something I really have to work on too because telling people my business is like second nature.

I slipped up not too long ago with a new person who repeated something I'd said to a friend almost causing an argument between us.  She tried to play if off like she didn't mean to cause friction - and really only God knows her heart - but the circumstances were quite strange.

I'm still mentally kicking myself for that one because I should've known better.  

Protect your secrets.  Be mindful of the people you have in your circle.  It's a process for me.  This whole transformation is probably going to get a little ugly for awhile.  But I'm fighting for my happiness and my own peace of mind.  Everyday is a new day to try again.  

And at the end of the day it's worth it.  

I Have Forgotten Everything

I'm not spinning a Nora Ephron quote or her book of essays into an original thought here.

I truly have forgotten everything.  And...I remember nothing.

Shortly after graduating from NYU I started to forget the names of people I went to school with.  There are certain people and names that will always stick with me.  Like the guy I was always butting heads with in film class and unexpectedly ran into at Trader Joe's clear across the country one random night.  Or the first girl to ever befriend me in college.  Or my college sweetheart.  Of course those are people who will stick with me for a long time.  But as for the rest of them it always takes me a moment to remember them.

It can be quite a jarring experience too.  Suddenly I'm standing in front of a guy who's smiling at me.  He knows me from sophomore year or something.  Apparently we were friends.  We joked around in class.  We even hung out in a group once or twice.   It's only been a couple of years since graduation and yet I have no recollection of who he is.  It's embarrassing.  And of course he thinks I'm just being pretentious and I don't have the heart to tell him I'm losing my memory.  I doubt he'd believe me anyway so I let it go.  We part ways and never see each other again - at least I don't think we do.  I wouldn't know for sure since I forget names and faces.

There are bits and pieces of my childhood missing.  But I feel like that's normal.  Don't most people forget the details of their childhood as they get older?  

There is a good chunk of my experience of NYU that remains blank to this day.  In my mind, I can remember freshman year.  Drinking my first long island iced tea.  My horrible roommates.  Spotting the boy I would crush on for all four years of college (and another three years after).  I can remember the first time my college sweetheart and I locked eyes.  And how much he made me laugh.

But then sophomore year came and everything just goes black until  graduation day.  Like, someone went into my head and Eternal-Sunshine-of-the-Spotless-Mind-ed me and took away my memories.  Along with those lost years are any people I may have met, hooked up with, offended, randomly drunk dialed, sexted, cussed out, tried to make out with and/or confessed my undying love to.  

If you are among those then please - drop me a line.  Re-introduce yourself and let's try this again OK?

Because I think the fog has lifted.  Whatever made me block out three years of college might be resolved and memories can resume.  I've been able to remember the last 5 years here in LA...so.  

Things are looking up.  

Taking Time to Be Alone

For the past couple of years I've been spending a lot of time alone.

I stepped away from almost all of my friendships and just kind of went in for awhile.  It was lonely but it gave me a chance to get to know myself.   During that time I realized there were things I liked about myself that I wouldn't change and then there were things I needed to take a closer look at.  

I also took time to reflect on the friendships I'd stepped away from - all of them, not just the toxic ones - and I could see who was missing from my life.  The absence of those healthy relationships was noticeable.  So when it was time to face the world again those were the friendships I focused on rekindling.

I like to call this process of stepping away from people and slowly reintegrating them back into my life my Friendship Allergy Test.

As I started opening myself up to friendships again I was very aware of how I reacted to their presence.  If I found myself breaking out in hives or sneezing uncontrollably around certain people I knew I was allergic to their B.S. and would need to keep my distance.  So far, the allergy test has worked wonders.  I've had almost no allergic reactions.

I don't hang out with people who make me break out in hives.  I don't hang out with people who spend the entire night making fun of me or criticizing me or asking me personal questions about my life because they're thirsty for juicy gossip.  I don't spend time with people who are competitive with me or condescending or judgmental of me.  I don't spend time with people who make me uncomfortable or give me ulcers.  Most importantly, I don't spend time with people who physically assault me.  It's been awesome.

The friendships I'm rekindling are even better than they'd been before I had my breakthrough.  So - yay!  It works.  Now maybe you won't have a physical reaction to people like breaking out in hives or getting ulcers but internally you'll know if someone isn't a right fit.  You should pay attention to that little voice that's trying to warn you about a potential toxic friendship.

If you can't hear that voice, then take some time to be alone and get to know yourself.  Being able to be alone is important.  If you can't spend time by yourself how can you expect anyone else to want to spend time with you?  I had to get used to it.  To the silence.  To hearing only my own thoughts.  But as time went on I got better at being alone.  Now I absolutely cherish my alone time.

Real friends, by the way, will allow you to step away for a bit and take some time to yourself.  They won't guilt trip you or try to pressure you into remaining that fun, party girl who always drank too much and made a fool of herself.  Real friends want you to get your shit together.  They'll support you while you're doing it and they won't make it all about them.

As you do your friendship allergy test take note of who's being an understanding friend and who's making it all about them.  Most likely the people making it all about them will be the people you won't miss.

Go Be Happy.  Now.

Check out my new Video "Big Chop | What Your Friends Really Think About You" - Don't forget to subscribe!


Read That Former Sidekick Girl's Code of Conduct 

I'm Not Watching All-White Movies Anymore

(Originally published at Wine Fine Dark Chicks)

I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.  

It never occurred to me that I could simply stop spending money on movies with an all-White cast.  I went to film school and I’ve been obsessed with movies all my life.  I never thought I would actually give them up for any reason.

But I’ve realized I that I’m not enjoying the movies I’ve been paying to see.  I’m not satisfied.  I feel cheated.  I spend most of the movie scanning the background looking for Black extras.  I would feel a little buzz of happiness when I did spot a Black woman here and there.  But that buzz of happiness was short lived.  I still felt cheated and miserable.  So I’ve decided that being miserable is no longer working for me.    

Ahh – freedom!  I actually feel free after making the decision to stop supporting movies with an all-White cast.

The movie “What If” starring Daniel Radcliffe and Zoe Kazan was the last straw for me.  Not only was the movie terrible but there were no Black people in this film.  I don’t count the Black extra who played the wedding aficionado at the end of the movie (not really a spoiler here so don’t panic), as someone who adores love stories. It is a personal affront to me to only see love stories told from a White person’s point of view.  

It’s not just love stories though – I’m talking about family oriented stories as well.  “This is Where I Leave You,” looks like it could be interesting.  But I won’t watch it – because that could’ve easily been a Black family.  Reese Witherspoon is going to be in a movie called “Wild” and it totally looks like something I could get into but I will not watch it because I’ve seen Reese Witherspoon star in enough coming of age movies to last me a lifetime. I won’t watch another “Fault in Our Stars” or “If I Stay” or “Wolf of Wallstreet” or any of those movies because there’s no representation of me in them.  I have the image of White women burned in my brain!  I can’t shut my eyes and imagine any type of love story without picturing a White woman in that role.  That’s just not acceptable anymore.

Hollywood has brainwashed me for long enough.  

I’m not just thirsty for more women of color in films and TV.  I’m not just hungry for it.  

I’m angry.  

And I’m tired of complaining about it. 

When you do the math it just doesn’t add up.  A movie costs about $13.75. Plus parking and snacks.  On average, I’m spending about $25 every time I go see a movie.  I usually see a movie at least 4 times a month.  That’s $100 a month.  Multiply that by 12 months and I’m spending $1200 a year on movies alone.  That’s rent money.

I’m wasting rent money on these films that purposefully exclude me.  Why would I do that?  That’s completely insane.  

If I took that $1200 every year and put it in my savings account I could invest in my own original content.  I wish I’d thought of doing this years ago.  I’d probably be directing a feature film by now.  But as they say, there’s no time like the present. 

So starting now I’m going to stop watching films with an all-White cast.  Instead I’m going to focus on supporting Black movies or movies with diversity.  This will be a bit of an adjustment considering how much I love watching all movies.  I may go through movie withdrawal.  But I think it will be worth it not to spend the duration of a movie scanning the background for Black extras.  I shouldn’t be scanning the background looking for Black extras.  

If you’re reading this – you’re probably feeling the same way.  I urge you to consider doing the same.  Save your money for movies that have diversity in them. Let’s stop feeling secretly miserable when we watch movies that are supposed to entertain us.  And let’s work towards making our own content.

Maybe if enough of us join the movement Hollywood will finally wake up.

You Can Cry

You can cry

Because there was loss.  A friendship at first filled with laughter and shared secrets.  Then suddenly you were alone.  So you can cry.  You can cry because this is what you always feared.  This is what you always ran from.  That pang of sadness.  That twinge of guilt.  That feeling of abandonment.  That hopelessness.  That realization that nothing is in your control.  Not even your tears.  You can cry.  Because you shut down for years just to avoid this and yet here you are.  There is no escaping it.  So let it out.  15 years of tears.  Cry.  Release.  Cry.  Release.  Cry.  Release.  Cry.  You can cry because there was love.  And you thought one day they'd be at your wedding.  And at your baby shower.  And you thought your children would be best friends.    You can cry because it matters and it doesn't make you weak.  You can cry because you can still be a strong Black woman tomorrow.  You can cry because you admit you made mistakes.  You can cry because later you will have to get back to working on changing things so this doesn't happen again.  Cry.  Release.  Cry.  Release.  Cry.  You can cry because if you don't you'll keep running.  You'll shut down again and you'll never truly move on.  You can cry because it's not easy to let go though it may seem effortless.  You can cry because it's cheaper than therapy.

And because it's what you do.

Watch the video of this blog!

"You can Cry" Written and Performed by Dawn Melissa Green

Things I Would Tell My Younger Self

When I was in New York I got to go through some old boxes I'd left behind and found pictures from high school and college.

As I stared at those younger looking images of myself I started thinking about how much simpler life would've been if I'd known then what I know now.

If it were possible to have a chat with my younger self these are some of the things I would say:

Speak up when someone hurts you.  When a bully threatens to beat you up.  When a so-called friend calls you the 'N' word and laughs in your face.  Speak up.  Stand up for yourself.  Even if it means that bully following through with her threat and getting punched in the face.  Even if it means losing all your friends.  Don't crouch in a corner or stand on the sidelines and just take it hoping they'll get bored and move on.  Speak up - stand up for yourself.  Be loud about it.

It's OK to be on your own.  It builds character.

Don't make out with your boss.  It won't end well.

Don't go work at any summer camps after college.  It's a complete waste of time and on both occasions you'll be unfairly fired so don't do it.

That box of oatmeal pies won't make you feel better.

Don't leave your camera on the floor of your bedroom prom night.  It will get stolen either by your dad or one of his friends.  And dad won't buy you a new one despite his promise to.

Don't lose your virginity to get back at your ex-boyfriend.

So you know that woman who's always hanging around the choir director?  She's evil.  Possibly a racist.  Don't waste any of your energy trying to get on her good side or seek her approval.

Don't pass messages back and forth between friends.  There will be confusion and you'll end up getting blamed for everything.

Listen to your mom.  She loves you.

Try to be nice to your sister.

Put family first no matter what.

If someone calls you the n word or uses it ever don't associate with them.  They aren't your friends.  Also, don't have sex with White guys who use the N word.  It's degrading and you can do better.

Don't be so hard on yourself.  Everyone makes mistakes.

Don't take everything so seriously.

Don't follow the crowd.

Don't move to Los Angeles based on someone else's advice.

Don't take anyone's virginity as a favor to them.

Don't hook up with your guy friends.  Not on your birthday.  Not because he's drunk.  Not for any reason.  It will ruin everything.  And none of them will treat you like a real friend afterwards.

If you are sad or heartbroken it's OK to cry.  It doesn't make you weak.

Floss everyday.

Don't be afraid to go on adventures.  Whether that's exploring Harlem for the first time by yourself or spending a semester in London to intern at the BBC.  Do it.

Everything will work out in your favor if you just have Faith.  And work hard.

If they never call you just to check in or catch up - they aren't your friends.  Let them go.

Healthy competition between girlfriends is OK but if you find yourself constantly drained or angry and upset after spending time with someone cut them loose.  It's a toxic relationship.

Fall in love with one boy at a time.

Don't hook up with your teachers.

If you have to ask what the word "buck" means - you're not ready to fight.  Walk away.

Practice forgiveness.  Don't hold grudges or burn bridges because things didn't go your way.

Love yourself.

I'm sure there are a hundred other pieces of advice I could give myself too but then this post would never end.  Knowing me and how stubborn I was as a teenager, I probably wouldn't heed any of this advice.  But at least my younger self would know there was somebody (from the future) looking out for her - and since we both love time travel movies that little fact might actually make me cool in my younger self's book.

What would you tell your younger self?

De-clutter Your Life

I got hooked on subscription services guys!  

From Ipsy, Wantable, We are onyx, Love with Food, Curlbox, Curlkit, Hairfinity, Julep....even Your Tea (I'll do a review on Your Tea/Tiny Tea soon - suffice it to say it wasn't a pleasant experience and I honestly don't recommend wasting your money on a company that gets defensive and makes up any excuse to explain why their product isn't working including suggesting you go see a doctor because maybe there's something wrong with your body....but I digress).

Anyway, I got hooked on basically buying things for no reason.  Maybe it was from reading blog reviews and watching Youtube reviews.  Maybe I thought having those products would make me happier or fulfilled.  Maybe I just have an addictive personality.  It's probably all of the above. 

But after awhile I took a look around my already cluttered apartment and I realized I had a problem. 

I had all this stuff. 

And I didn't need any of it. 

And I wasn't happy or fulfilled. 

And my bank account wasn't happy either. 

I'd missed something.  I looked for the quick fix instead of dealing with the real issue.  I got a high from seeing my Onyx box in the mail.  I got a buzz when I saw an email from Ipsy saying my glam bag had shipped.  But then those highs and buzzes would fade and I would sit there with all these samples that don't really suit me (let me stop lying, I love everything about We Are Onyx.  Like EVERYTHING) - And I would still feel empty.

I canceled my subscription services and started going through my things.  I made piles.

To keep. 

Throw away. 

Donate.

When I was done and looked at my piles I saw my 'too keep' pile was very small.  If I was doing an honest assessment I could see that most of the things I had was just clutter.  

I dusted off my copy of Gail Blanke's Throw Out Fifty Things and rereading the book helped me get organized and part with the things I didn't need or want.  (I might have mentioned this before but I used to be addicted to collecting Self-help books.  It was one of my more innocent addictions and one I was sort of proud to have.  I'm one of those people who benefits from having a 12 step program when it comes to self-improvement.  I like having my journey mapped out for me.)

So I'm glad I had Gail Blanke's book to go back to in order to get de-cluttered.  It's a pretty simple concept really - you just throw out fifty things.  They can't be the same thing (i.e. 50 magazines counts as only ONE thing) but they can be pretty much anything from clothes to books...to people.  If they are connected to bad memories they should be in the 'throw away' or 'donate' pile for sure.  I threw out so many old t-shirts that were connected to old jobs and school activities (i.e. bad memories) and if felt so good never to have to look at a t-shirt from those camps I worked at or a sweatshirt from high school again.

Anyway, I came across a chapter where a woman talks about how she threw out her man.  She didn't physically toss her boyfriend in the trash, obviously, but she ended that relationship because it wasn't making her happy.  I thought it was genius of Gail Blanke to include this story in her book because it gave me the push I needed to start taking a closer look at some of the relationships I was involved in that weren't making me happy.  But tackling a home improvement job and throwing out objects is a lot easier to do than throwing out people. 

It shouldn't be done in haste or without consideration.

Before you get scissor happy, take a moment to really think about who adds to your life.  Who edifies you spiritually.  Who's there for you on your darkest days not just for happy hour or when they need something.  Who invites you out just to hang out and not because they're feeling bored or lonely or their other plans fell through?  Who always has your back no matter what and never bails on you for a better opportunity or more desirable friend? 

Go through your mental roledex and think about the people you have in your life - then start cutting out the drainers, the users, the verbal abusers, the liars, the haters, and the people who only keep you around "just in case". 

You are no one's back up plan.  You are no one's safe bet.  You are no one's after thought.  You are no one's stepping stone.  You are no one's trusty sidekick.

You're so much better than that. 

And deep down you know it.  So stop putting up with the BS.  Stop putting up with getting your feelings hurt or getting used or lied to.  Stop putting up with the guilt trips.  Stop putting up with being talked about behind your back.  Stop putting up with condescending people. 

Just stop it. 

Get rid of anything that doesn't serve you.  De-clutter your life.

Go be happy. Now.

Ray Rice and the Self-Defense Defense

Ray Rice is an animal.

A sadistic, sociopath.

He punched his then fiance in the face twice, knocking her out the second time.  Then dragged her unconscious body out of the elevator, then LIED and said he didn't punch her but pushed her and she bumped her head.  He's shown no remorse throughout this entire ordeal and he has yet to actually apologize to his now wife, Janay Palmer.  Yet he's got apologies in spades for his (former) teammates and his fans.  He's got crocodile tears to shed for losing his spot on the Ravens.  But as for the domestic violence against the mother of his child and the woman he's supposed to love?  Nothing.

I'd like nothing more than to see Ray Rice rot in jail along with Chris Brown, Floyd Mayweather and the rest of those assholes who enjoy using women as punching bags to work out their insecurities and shortcomings.

And what is this Self-Defense nonsense that all the Ray Rice supporters keep talking about?

Tell me in what universe does a slap justify a knockout?  Since when does a woman deserve a punch in the face for charging at someone or looking like she's going to hit someone?  Look at Janay and tell me how much bodily damage she could actually do to a trained boxer and a football player like Ray Rice?  It's not self-defense if she never actually got a hit in.  I don't care how much attitude she had or how loud she was or how emotional she seemed - that woman did not deserve to be punched in the face and then have her body dragged out of a hotel elevator.  She did not deserve to embarrass herself on national TV by apologizing for being abused.

I don't know a thing about Janay Palmer's upbringing.  I don't know if she'd been abused before she had the misfortune of meeting Ray Rice.  I don't know if she's always had low self-esteem or if this is something new.  What I do know is that I'm sad for her.  I'm also afraid for her well-being.  Because looking at the video footage and watching Ray Rice's body language as he followed her into the elevator it seems like he intended to engage in a physical altercation with her.  I've seen abuse first hand enough to know what it looks like.  He went into that elevator and practically stood on top of Janay  - breathing down on her like some kind of rabid animal - then he appeared to hit her before she charged him.  Those two punches happened so cavalierly that it made me believe he'd done it before.  And he'll do it again.  So I'm definitely afraid for Janay Palmer's well-being.

I'm disgusted that there are actually people out there who support Ray Rice.  Floyd Mayweather wished Ray Rice "nothing but the best."  Stephen A. Smith was telling us not to "close the door on a 27 year old."  Not to mention the dozens of hateful tweets I got from all the male Ray Rice supporters.

I'm also appalled by the women who have judged Janay Palmer's public defense of her abusive husband.  Sure it's infuriating that she went ahead and married him after what he did to her.  But turning against her and saying things like, "She got what she deserved" isn't going to help her or any woman in an abusive relationship.  I'm not saying "don't judge people because God is the only one that can judge our lives."  For those of you who do believe that - cool - but as for me and my house - fuck that.  I highly doubt God would frown upon me for judging Ray Rice.  So I will weigh in on this situation - I will cry out loud against domestic violence.  Ray Rice should be condemned for his actions and especially his lack of remorse.  As for Janay Palmer - that's something she will have to figure out in her own time.  We can't force her to see the light.  We can't force her to leave that toxic environment much as we'd like to.  All we can do is Pray for her.

As for this self-defense thing - maybe more women should start taking self-defense classes.  I know I'm considering it.  Let's be prepared just in case our so-called knights in shining armor turn into psychos.  We should be able to defend ourselves in situations like that.  Let's take it one step further and instead of ballet classes, let's start putting our daughters in Taekwon do classes.  Let's say, "Fuck the gender roles" and start lifting some goddamn weights.

Because I'm tired of being afraid that one day I'll be like Janay Palmer.  For me, abuse goes way back to my childhood starting with my alcoholic father.  In my early twenties I secretly thought I deserved to be in an abusive relationship with a man who made jokes about me being physically and sexually abused as a child whenever we fought and actually had the nerve to hit me - once.  I was lucky though - I got out of that relationship and eventually, I started to believe that I deserved better.

But I've been afraid ever since.  To the point where I walk into bars and immediately search for the unattended chairs and beer bottles I might have to use as weapons just in case people get too drunk and shit gets out of control.  I'm afraid all the time to the point where the cups of scalding hot coffee that I drink serve two functions; 1) caffeine and  2) potential weapon in case some asshole gets a little too close or looks at me the wrong way.  I'm afraid to the point where I don't want to be alone in a room with a man I don't think I could physically take.

I'm tired of being afraid.  I'm tired of being angry.  I'm tired of hearing all these stories that confirm my suspicions about how much men hate women.  I'm tired.  We are not here for the pleasures of men to do with as they please.  We have to find a way to make them understand that.

Because clearly they just aren't getting it.

Labor Day Weekend In New York

My trip to New York was very last minute.  I'd had it in the back of my head that I wanted to visit before the end of 2014 but I didn't know until about 2-3 days prior to actually leaving that I would be going.  I was very happy that I would be in New York for Labor Day Weekend and to spend the last days of summer with friends and family.  Since this trip was impromptu - and since it had been two years since last I was in New York and that trip hadn't been all that pleasant - I thought I'd blog about it.

I left my apartment in Los Angeles before the sun came out.  In true Dawn Melissa fashion I waited until the last minute to pack.  So I was up until about 3am packing and only slept 2 hours before leaving to catch my flight.  I got the aisle seat and didn't check my carry-on.  And I was pleased when I was able to lift my carry-on with one hand into the overhead compartments without any assistance from the men offering to help (I had a hot cup of coffee in the other hand and refused to toss it before boarding because it'd cost $5.  I think my lifting the luggage while holding the hot coffee made everyone around me a little nervous).  

I got to New York in the evening and pretty much spent the rest of the day sleeping and catching up on old episodes of MTV's Awkward. 

The next day was spent with Melinda a friend from college and one of my favorite people still living in New York.  I'd never been to Williamsburg so I thought it would be fun to meet her there.  We had lunch at a place called Sweet Chick where they served Chicken and Waffles but also Kale so- something for everyone.  I had chicken and pancakes but next time I go I will try their shrimp and grits.  

While we ate we had a really interesting chat about friendships.  I realized through this conversation that I'm in a place where I'm not open to just any kind of friendship anymore.  My standards have gone up and I'm really looking for genuine friendships.  I also realized that as far as LA is concerned I'm not open to new friendships.  I just don't believe I can find what I'm looking for here.  Which explains why I rarely go out anymore.  But that's all going to change very soon. 

The next day was spent walking around Central Park, Times Square, Greenwich village and Soho.

  

I walked so much my feet were killing me. 

At one point, while sitting on a rock in Central Park, one of those typical upper eastside types dripped her Gyro on me because she was so busy keeping up a steady stream of nonsensical conversation with a couple of toddlers that she didn't notice me.  Hey I guess when I have children I'll be the same way do I won't make fun of her too much - still, kind of annoying.  Normally I get pretty ticked off when people drop food on me but in this instance I was relieved that it hadn't been bird poop.  So I let it slide.

The next day was spent preparing for a party to celebrate the Virgin Mary.  Orlando's parents had been planning for a year and were excited that Orlando was able to come to New York to show his support.  Orlando's mom inspected the dress I'd packed and made sure I had accessories and a handbag to go with it.  I also had to wear heels.  Then she sent me to get my nails done- which I thoroughly enjoyed.  Meanwhile, Orlando, his father and his brothers went to get suits for the occasion.   

Everyone looked very nice.  Especially Orlando who had to make a speech in Spanish.  He did well.  I will post a vlog about that on my channel.  The party was fun.  I even got to put some of those salsa lessons Orlando and I took together to good use.

The next day, we went to a BBQ on Long Island.  By this time I was covered in mosquito bites so I was a little uncomfortable.  I wasn't used to humidity or dealing with mosquitos but what I didn't mind was the rain.  The California drought had me thirsty for a rainstorm.  So I was ecstatic when it started raining during the BBQ.  That didn't stop us from eating and playing flip cup (which I'm pretty good at BTW).  

On the way home we stopped to get lotion for my bug bites.  At one point, a little girl and her dad came in the store.  Someone on her way our held the door for the dad and he walked through without acknowledging the person who'd held the door.  The little girl called out to her dad, "she held the door for you dad, what do you say?  What do you say dad?!". The dad looked embarrassed as everyone stared at him then he mumbled, "Thank you," and rushed off.  It was an awesome moment.  I realized kids always have something to teach their entitled parents. 

I saw my family the next day.  My cousins and their kids, my goddaughter, my aunts, my brother and sister and grandad.  Pretty much everyone except my mom, which was a bummer, but I got to talk with her on the phone.  

It was a nice day spent in Pennsylvania and a really great way to wrap up the Labor Day Weekend festivities.  With more food, movies and picture taking.  The best part was that I got to meet the newest addition to the family- my one month old cousin Amari Egypt.  

If ever I were certain that I wanted kids it was in this moment.  Holding that tiny baby and falling head over heals in love.

I spent my last day back in Queens going through a bunch of old high school and college photos and mourning the loss of my girlish figure.  Lol.  Actually it was a nice trip down memory lane.  But I'll write more on that later.   

For now I've just landed in LAX - like the plane touched down as I started writing this paragraph.  I need to go to baggage claim because the idiot at LGA forced me to check my tiny bag.  Even though it was free it was still annoying because my bag wasn't too big or bulky.  Also, the flight wasn't full so there were all these empty compartments just laughing at me as I sulked in my seat before take off.  

I didn't sulk long though because I fell fast asleep as soon as the plane took off.  Again in true Dawn Fashion I'd waited until the last minute to pack and had only slept two hours.  When I woke up I decided to write about my trip.  It was really nice to get away from Los Angeles for a bit.  Especially during the Labor Day Weekend.  Mosquito bites, humidity, heavy rain and all - I enjoyed every bit.  

But I'm glad to be home and looking forward to sleeping in my own bed.  

Not Everyone Is Your Competition

I was late for the bus as usual.

For someone who wanted so desperately to live in major cities like New York, Los Angeles and London I sure had a hard time using public transportation.  For some reason, I never leave my home with enough time to catch whatever bus or train I needed in order to reach my destination.

So on the night I was meant to meet a friend at the Ahmanson I left my apartment exactly 10 minutes before my bus was scheduled to arrive.  Which meant I needed to run if I was going to catch that bus.

I run on a regular basis so this was not really a big deal.  The problem was I was wearing a dress and heels and I'd just spent 20 minutes putting on makeup.  Running wasn't exactly ideal in a situation like this.  But that's what happens when you don't give yourself enough time to walk to the bus stop like a civilized human being.  You end up running ten blocks in heels, sweaty and out of breath and your carefully applied makeup totally wrecked.

Halfway through my ten-block run I got tired.  I said I run regularly - I never said I didn't get tired.  I slowed to a power walk to try to catch my breath.  At that exact moment, some douchebag jogger wearing super short, bright yellow jogging shorts and a matching headband zooms by.

From my perspective he was trotting more than jogging - like he'd been waiting to surpass me all along.  Like he was somehow the victor in this race because I was now powerwalking and he was still running.  I was not only irked by the ease with which he jogged by me but the air of arrogance that lingered long after he'd disappeared down the blocked really pissed me off.

Then my crazy set in...

Did this guy think he was a winner?  Does he think he just did something special here because he can run further without slowing down?  He's not doing anything special - I'm wearing heals for crying out loud.  Eff that guy...

I started running again and reached my bus stop just in time to see my bus pull away.  I had to wait another 30 minutes for the next bus.  While I waited those 30 minutes for the next bus I saw that same jogger walking back in the opposite direction.  He never even glanced in my direction.

I shook my head laughing to myself.  I'd gotten all worked up over this guy who, in reality, hadn't been in a race with me.  Sometimes I get competitive for no reason - like when I'm at the gym and some super fit girl takes the treadmill next to mine and I feel the need to push myself to run the same distance as her.  That type of competitiveness is probably OK since it does motivate me to workout but in this instance - I was simply having a crazy moment.  I was focusing on things in my peripheral instead of on my own path.  I'd created drama and discourse where there was none- and I'd missed my bus.

It was a friendly reminder that not everyone is my competition.  Not everyone is trying to do the same thing as me.  The only person I need to focus on competing against is myself.  "A flower does not think of competing with the flower next to it.  It just blooms."  I need to keep that in mind as I continue on this journey to Leading Lady.

I also really need to work on leaving my apartment on time so that I don't miss my bus.  Fortunately I made it to the Ahmanson in time for the show.  I saw Buyers and Cellars, by the way and it was amazing!!

Hope you all have fantastic Sunday!  Check out my previous post if you missed it.  Please follow me on Bloglovin to stay caught up.  And don't forget to subscribe and share!

xoxo

Anna Akana, Daniel Radcliffe - What If

She's making herself a Leading Lady.

I first found out about Anna Akana toward the end of 2013 and literally watched all of her Youtube videos in one setting.  Many of her videos touched on topics that I'd been wanting to talk about because of similar experiences I'd had.  I was also extremely impressed with Anna's editing skills - I'm still trying to figure out how to keep my videos to 4 minutes.  

But Anna Akana instantly became this cool chick who casually talked about deeply personal things that- until I found her channel- I'd been too afraid to talk about on my own Youtube channel.  Then she came out with her web series - which was about time travel so naturally I loved it.  Then she started doing one short film a month, which is when she became my hero.

Recently, Anna got to do a promo video with Daniel Radcliffe for his new movie, 'What If."
Mind.  Officially.  Blown.

In this promo video Anna got to be that quintessential love interest.  Just as Anna decides she's going to stay single for a year and focus on herself - the universe steps in and boom!  She meets Daniel Radcliffe.  Granted, this was all obviously planned in advance.  Anna is no longer just a normal Youtuber vlogging about her life so this promo, which she actually wrote and directed herself, lined up with Daniel Radcliffe's film release - but so what.  Anyway, that's the point.  She was given the opportunity to write and direct something and she also had the power to cast herself in that project.  

Anna is not your typical Leading Lady.  That role is usually reserved for a certain type of girl who looks a certain type of way.  But Anna is changing the game.  Through her Youtube channel, her web series, her short films and now - this Daniel Radcliffe promo - she's making herself into a Leading Lady.  She's forcing the world to see her as a Leading Lady - not the sidekick girl or supporting character  - but the friggin' Leading Lady!    

And I totally dig it. 

Somewhere in the back of my mind I imagined myself doing what Anna has done - writing and producing projects and casting myself as the lead - but I never got around to actually doing it.  I guess I didn't really believe I could do it.  Deep down, I didn't think I was Leading Lady material and so when I wrote and directed Lila, Long Distance - my phone sex web series - I cast someone else as Lila because she was hot and White and I figured she'd get more views on Youtube than I would.  When I wrote and directed my short film, "Did You Look For Work This Week?" again, instead of casting myself as the lead (or in any of the three female parts that I liked) I cast friends because I didn't have enough confidence in myself to believe I could be in my own short film.  I can't believe I used to treat myself so poorly.  I wish I'd known about Anna Akana three years ago.  I wish I'd actually known her three years ago!  I probably would be a lot further along in my Leading Lady journey than I am.  

But it's OK because I can be inspired by her while I continue to work on myself.  Some ways that I've been making myself a Leading Lady are as follows -

1) Dressing the part.  Putting effort into my appearance with makeup and an actual outfit always helps my mood and makes me feel more confident.

2) Shameless plugging and self-promoting.  I was always shy about promoting myself but now I'm being braver about letting people know who I am and what I'm trying to do.  Especially when it comes to this blog and my Youtube channel.  If I don't tell people I'm out there - how will they find me?

3) Writing.  I've been writing again and it's been great.  Now when I think about characters for my sketches, one-acts, web series etc. I picture myself as the lead. 

One day I'll be in Anna's shoes - not literally - but you know what I mean.  I'll write and direct promo videos with some of my favorite actors (ahem, Idris Elba) and I'll be sure to include romantic coffee shop scenes and intense makeout sessions - hey, you never know.  Either way - I'll be seeing you soon, Daniel Radcliffe.   

What are some ways you're making yourself into a Leading Lady?

Leave a comment and let me know.  Don't forget to check out Anna's and Daniel Radcliffe's promo video.  Has anyone seen 'What If?'  Thoughts?

Hope everyone has an amazing weekend.  New Blog Post on Sunday!

Read My Previous Post "Unbox Yourself" 

Go Be Happy. Now.

Unbox Yourself | Reject the Labels

 I've been called many different names:  

"Don"
"The crazy one"
"Sharlena"

My sixth grade best friend jokingly called me "Coolio" after the rapper because I'd put my real hair into mini-braids that resembled his hair.

I was called "nugget" for most of my childhood because of the knot on my forehead caused by too many clumsy encounters with walls and other hard surfaces.

And then there was the time an NYU security guard referred to me as 'sucio' which is a Spanish word meaning dirty.  I was signing a boy into my dorm at about 3am and I guess he frowned on that sort of behavior - of course he had no way of knowing that the boy in question was my brother.

That one time, in college, I was a sidechick.  I didn't know it - I didn't know the guy I was hooking up with was cheating on his girlfriend with me and no amount of denying culpability after the fact would save my reputation so you could add "slut" and "homewrecker" to the list of names.  But I wasn't any of those things and at one point I decided to reject them.  It's not what people call you, it's what you answer to.  Once it clicked that I didn't have to be any of those things everything else fell into place.  

I suddenly understood that there will always be something about me that doesn't quite sit well with other people and that's just going to have be OK.  It used to bother me so much when people didn't like me.  I thought there was something wrong with me.  But now I say if someone doesn't like me that's their problem.  Not mine.  The truth is, I either possess qualities they hate about themselves or I possess qualities they want for themselves.  Either way it's for them to figure out - not me.  Friendships are tricky enough to navigate without me (or anyone) having to think for the other person or try to read their thoughts.

I read a book called "The Twisted Sisterhood" by Kelly Valen where she touched on some pretty heavy stuff regarding female friendships.  

The part that resonated with me was the chapter on Tribes, Packs and Cliques and how women who've been tormented by groups of women in their younger years (i.e. sororities, girls' camp, cheerleading squads) tend to shy away from big groups of women in their adult years (i.e. exercise classes, writing groups, Mommy & Me etc).  Reading this book helped me understand why I tend to avoid female groups and opt for one-on-one outings.  I have several female friends but I rarely hang out with more than one at a time.  It had never occurred to me that I was making the conscious effort to keep my girlfriends separate from each other for the purpose of self-preservation.


The book helped me to understood why I thought the way I did.  When we can pinpoint what is it about ourselves that makes us behave or react a certain way toward other people we can make better choices about how we treat those people.


When I find myself giving the unnecessary 'side eye' to someone else I pause to think about why I'm throwing shade.  Am I jealous?  Or do I recognize something in that person that I don't like about myself?  There's not always a simple answer - sometimes it turns out me and that other person just aren't a good match.  At least instead of wasting time and energy being snarky, backbiting or being angry and upset all the time, I'm able to sort out my feelings and decide what to do about that friendship.

I'm also more aware when other people are throwing shade at me and because I know it has nothing to do with me I can laugh it off without getting bent out of shape.  For instance, a girl at work is constantly making jokes or rolling her eyes at me whenever a male co-worker talks to me.  Whether we're flirting or not (we're not flirting - most of the males I work with are like 20.  I don't plan to hook up with 20-year-olds until I'm in my 40s) this co-worker just had jokes or snarky remarks and then would smile in my face like she just did something.  When I was 20 that kind of thing would have me in tears.  But now I see it for what it is and it doesn't bother me.

Once I stopped worrying about what other people thought of me life got so much easier.

In conclusion: 

1) Not everyone will like you. 

2) If someone doesn't like you that's their problem.
3) People can only treat you the way you allow them to treat you.  

It took me 15 years to accept that.  If you're just getting into your teen years learn it now and learn it fast.  Don't waste the sexiest years of your life chasing after people and trying to get them to like you.  You're better than that.  Know yourself and your worth and reject the rest.  Don't let anyone put you in any box or label you anything that isn't who you are.  

Go Be Happy.  Now.