Not Everyone Is Your Competition

I was late for the bus as usual.

For someone who wanted so desperately to live in major cities like New York, Los Angeles and London I sure had a hard time using public transportation.  For some reason, I never leave my home with enough time to catch whatever bus or train I needed in order to reach my destination.

So on the night I was meant to meet a friend at the Ahmanson I left my apartment exactly 10 minutes before my bus was scheduled to arrive.  Which meant I needed to run if I was going to catch that bus.

I run on a regular basis so this was not really a big deal.  The problem was I was wearing a dress and heels and I'd just spent 20 minutes putting on makeup.  Running wasn't exactly ideal in a situation like this.  But that's what happens when you don't give yourself enough time to walk to the bus stop like a civilized human being.  You end up running ten blocks in heels, sweaty and out of breath and your carefully applied makeup totally wrecked.

Halfway through my ten-block run I got tired.  I said I run regularly - I never said I didn't get tired.  I slowed to a power walk to try to catch my breath.  At that exact moment, some douchebag jogger wearing super short, bright yellow jogging shorts and a matching headband zooms by.

From my perspective he was trotting more than jogging - like he'd been waiting to surpass me all along.  Like he was somehow the victor in this race because I was now powerwalking and he was still running.  I was not only irked by the ease with which he jogged by me but the air of arrogance that lingered long after he'd disappeared down the blocked really pissed me off.

Then my crazy set in...

Did this guy think he was a winner?  Does he think he just did something special here because he can run further without slowing down?  He's not doing anything special - I'm wearing heals for crying out loud.  Eff that guy...

I started running again and reached my bus stop just in time to see my bus pull away.  I had to wait another 30 minutes for the next bus.  While I waited those 30 minutes for the next bus I saw that same jogger walking back in the opposite direction.  He never even glanced in my direction.

I shook my head laughing to myself.  I'd gotten all worked up over this guy who, in reality, hadn't been in a race with me.  Sometimes I get competitive for no reason - like when I'm at the gym and some super fit girl takes the treadmill next to mine and I feel the need to push myself to run the same distance as her.  That type of competitiveness is probably OK since it does motivate me to workout but in this instance - I was simply having a crazy moment.  I was focusing on things in my peripheral instead of on my own path.  I'd created drama and discourse where there was none- and I'd missed my bus.

It was a friendly reminder that not everyone is my competition.  Not everyone is trying to do the same thing as me.  The only person I need to focus on competing against is myself.  "A flower does not think of competing with the flower next to it.  It just blooms."  I need to keep that in mind as I continue on this journey to Leading Lady.

I also really need to work on leaving my apartment on time so that I don't miss my bus.  Fortunately I made it to the Ahmanson in time for the show.  I saw Buyers and Cellars, by the way and it was amazing!!

Hope you all have fantastic Sunday!  Check out my previous post if you missed it.  Please follow me on Bloglovin to stay caught up.  And don't forget to subscribe and share!

xoxo

Anna Akana, Daniel Radcliffe - What If

She's making herself a Leading Lady.

I first found out about Anna Akana toward the end of 2013 and literally watched all of her Youtube videos in one setting.  Many of her videos touched on topics that I'd been wanting to talk about because of similar experiences I'd had.  I was also extremely impressed with Anna's editing skills - I'm still trying to figure out how to keep my videos to 4 minutes.  

But Anna Akana instantly became this cool chick who casually talked about deeply personal things that- until I found her channel- I'd been too afraid to talk about on my own Youtube channel.  Then she came out with her web series - which was about time travel so naturally I loved it.  Then she started doing one short film a month, which is when she became my hero.

Recently, Anna got to do a promo video with Daniel Radcliffe for his new movie, 'What If."
Mind.  Officially.  Blown.

In this promo video Anna got to be that quintessential love interest.  Just as Anna decides she's going to stay single for a year and focus on herself - the universe steps in and boom!  She meets Daniel Radcliffe.  Granted, this was all obviously planned in advance.  Anna is no longer just a normal Youtuber vlogging about her life so this promo, which she actually wrote and directed herself, lined up with Daniel Radcliffe's film release - but so what.  Anyway, that's the point.  She was given the opportunity to write and direct something and she also had the power to cast herself in that project.  

Anna is not your typical Leading Lady.  That role is usually reserved for a certain type of girl who looks a certain type of way.  But Anna is changing the game.  Through her Youtube channel, her web series, her short films and now - this Daniel Radcliffe promo - she's making herself into a Leading Lady.  She's forcing the world to see her as a Leading Lady - not the sidekick girl or supporting character  - but the friggin' Leading Lady!    

And I totally dig it. 

Somewhere in the back of my mind I imagined myself doing what Anna has done - writing and producing projects and casting myself as the lead - but I never got around to actually doing it.  I guess I didn't really believe I could do it.  Deep down, I didn't think I was Leading Lady material and so when I wrote and directed Lila, Long Distance - my phone sex web series - I cast someone else as Lila because she was hot and White and I figured she'd get more views on Youtube than I would.  When I wrote and directed my short film, "Did You Look For Work This Week?" again, instead of casting myself as the lead (or in any of the three female parts that I liked) I cast friends because I didn't have enough confidence in myself to believe I could be in my own short film.  I can't believe I used to treat myself so poorly.  I wish I'd known about Anna Akana three years ago.  I wish I'd actually known her three years ago!  I probably would be a lot further along in my Leading Lady journey than I am.  

But it's OK because I can be inspired by her while I continue to work on myself.  Some ways that I've been making myself a Leading Lady are as follows -

1) Dressing the part.  Putting effort into my appearance with makeup and an actual outfit always helps my mood and makes me feel more confident.

2) Shameless plugging and self-promoting.  I was always shy about promoting myself but now I'm being braver about letting people know who I am and what I'm trying to do.  Especially when it comes to this blog and my Youtube channel.  If I don't tell people I'm out there - how will they find me?

3) Writing.  I've been writing again and it's been great.  Now when I think about characters for my sketches, one-acts, web series etc. I picture myself as the lead. 

One day I'll be in Anna's shoes - not literally - but you know what I mean.  I'll write and direct promo videos with some of my favorite actors (ahem, Idris Elba) and I'll be sure to include romantic coffee shop scenes and intense makeout sessions - hey, you never know.  Either way - I'll be seeing you soon, Daniel Radcliffe.   

What are some ways you're making yourself into a Leading Lady?

Leave a comment and let me know.  Don't forget to check out Anna's and Daniel Radcliffe's promo video.  Has anyone seen 'What If?'  Thoughts?

Hope everyone has an amazing weekend.  New Blog Post on Sunday!

Read My Previous Post "Unbox Yourself" 

Go Be Happy. Now.

Unbox Yourself | Reject the Labels

 I've been called many different names:  

"Don"
"The crazy one"
"Sharlena"

My sixth grade best friend jokingly called me "Coolio" after the rapper because I'd put my real hair into mini-braids that resembled his hair.

I was called "nugget" for most of my childhood because of the knot on my forehead caused by too many clumsy encounters with walls and other hard surfaces.

And then there was the time an NYU security guard referred to me as 'sucio' which is a Spanish word meaning dirty.  I was signing a boy into my dorm at about 3am and I guess he frowned on that sort of behavior - of course he had no way of knowing that the boy in question was my brother.

That one time, in college, I was a sidechick.  I didn't know it - I didn't know the guy I was hooking up with was cheating on his girlfriend with me and no amount of denying culpability after the fact would save my reputation so you could add "slut" and "homewrecker" to the list of names.  But I wasn't any of those things and at one point I decided to reject them.  It's not what people call you, it's what you answer to.  Once it clicked that I didn't have to be any of those things everything else fell into place.  

I suddenly understood that there will always be something about me that doesn't quite sit well with other people and that's just going to have be OK.  It used to bother me so much when people didn't like me.  I thought there was something wrong with me.  But now I say if someone doesn't like me that's their problem.  Not mine.  The truth is, I either possess qualities they hate about themselves or I possess qualities they want for themselves.  Either way it's for them to figure out - not me.  Friendships are tricky enough to navigate without me (or anyone) having to think for the other person or try to read their thoughts.

I read a book called "The Twisted Sisterhood" by Kelly Valen where she touched on some pretty heavy stuff regarding female friendships.  

The part that resonated with me was the chapter on Tribes, Packs and Cliques and how women who've been tormented by groups of women in their younger years (i.e. sororities, girls' camp, cheerleading squads) tend to shy away from big groups of women in their adult years (i.e. exercise classes, writing groups, Mommy & Me etc).  Reading this book helped me understand why I tend to avoid female groups and opt for one-on-one outings.  I have several female friends but I rarely hang out with more than one at a time.  It had never occurred to me that I was making the conscious effort to keep my girlfriends separate from each other for the purpose of self-preservation.


The book helped me to understood why I thought the way I did.  When we can pinpoint what is it about ourselves that makes us behave or react a certain way toward other people we can make better choices about how we treat those people.


When I find myself giving the unnecessary 'side eye' to someone else I pause to think about why I'm throwing shade.  Am I jealous?  Or do I recognize something in that person that I don't like about myself?  There's not always a simple answer - sometimes it turns out me and that other person just aren't a good match.  At least instead of wasting time and energy being snarky, backbiting or being angry and upset all the time, I'm able to sort out my feelings and decide what to do about that friendship.

I'm also more aware when other people are throwing shade at me and because I know it has nothing to do with me I can laugh it off without getting bent out of shape.  For instance, a girl at work is constantly making jokes or rolling her eyes at me whenever a male co-worker talks to me.  Whether we're flirting or not (we're not flirting - most of the males I work with are like 20.  I don't plan to hook up with 20-year-olds until I'm in my 40s) this co-worker just had jokes or snarky remarks and then would smile in my face like she just did something.  When I was 20 that kind of thing would have me in tears.  But now I see it for what it is and it doesn't bother me.

Once I stopped worrying about what other people thought of me life got so much easier.

In conclusion: 

1) Not everyone will like you. 

2) If someone doesn't like you that's their problem.
3) People can only treat you the way you allow them to treat you.  

It took me 15 years to accept that.  If you're just getting into your teen years learn it now and learn it fast.  Don't waste the sexiest years of your life chasing after people and trying to get them to like you.  You're better than that.  Know yourself and your worth and reject the rest.  Don't let anyone put you in any box or label you anything that isn't who you are.  

Go Be Happy.  Now.

How to be a Leading Lady

I'm looking at my reflection in the mirror - well I was just before writing this post - and I was thinking, "I look like a leading lady."

This is new for me to feel this way about myself.  I've always felt like I could be a leading lady if I looked a certain way.  I would often joke that I was a leading lady trapped inside a sidekick girl's body.  Deep down I knew I had potential to do something significant with my life but I was so stuck on my looks that I had zero confidence to do anything.  And so I became stuck.  It wasn't until I pledged to turn away from my sidekick girl ways that I started feeling, looking and behaving like a leading lady.

As I mentioned in my previous post, I grew up in an unstable home environment.  At school, I was bullied and I lived in a predominately White area so often I experienced racism.  To cope with all that I escaped into the magical world of movies - specifically romantic comedies.  I wanted to be Anne Hathaway meeting her grandmother for the first time and discovering she was a princess.  I wanted to play 'Baby' and dirty dance with some hot guy while on a family vacation ("I carried a watermelon").  I wanted to be the girl next door (not the movie, although it was a decent movie but I never fancied myself playing a porn star).  I wanted to be America's Sweetheart.

At a young age it never escaped my attention that the majority of those leading lady roles were played by White women and when I saw a Black woman she was stereotypical (ghetto, uneducated, sexualized).  I could still love the characters in the stories despite the skin color but I wanted more representation of me.  I craved it.  But over the years I kept seeing the same White people tell the same stories that I loved over and over again.  I'm ashamed to admit that not seeing a positive representation of Black women in the media started to influence the way I saw myself.  Because of the lack of Black women playing the kinds of roles I liked to watch I started to think those Leading Lady roles were not for Black women.  On a subconscious level I started to believe that the sidekick roles were the best I'd be able to do.

Thank goodness I started practicing self-love.  It wasn't an easy switch.  I really had to be a bit of a train wreck out here in these LA streets for a long time before I decided to get it together.  But now I'm training my brain to think positive thoughts when I look at myself in the mirror.  I say it out loud, "I am a leading lady.  I turn heads when I walk in the room.  I shine bright.  I am full of joy.  I am a good person.  I am beautiful.  I deserve to be happy."

What do you think when you look in the mirror?  Do you think you look like a leading lady?

I know not everyone lives their lives through movies like me.  I have a degree in Film/TV production and as I mentioned I've been obsessed with movies since I was an infant so comparing real life to characters in films is second nature to me.  But I'm sure you can make the leap and have all this be relevant to your individual lives as well.  You deserve that raise or promotion.  You deserve to be in a loving relationship with the right man or woman.  You deserve the fairytale wedding.  You deserve that national commercial.  You deserve to travel the world.  You deserve to be a homeowner.  You deserve to be your own boss.  You deserve 500,000 subscribers on Youtube.  Whatever it is that you want to be  you can be.

Say it over and over again.  Will it into existence.  Dress the part.  Put on the power suit that makes you walk taller.  Wear that ravishing red lipstick that makes you feel fierce.  Do whatever you have to do to get hype so that by the time you walk out the door after giving yourself that morning peptalk - can't nobody tell you nuthin'!

Much in the way that thinking of yourself as a sidekick will make you a sidekick - seeing yourself as a leading lady will, in fact, make you a leading lady.  So keep telling yourself that you are talented and gifted - and beautiful.  Say it over and over and over again until you believe it.  Then watch what happens.

I look like a leading lady now - not because I'm wearing make-up and doing my hair and putting on pretty dresses (although it is important to put some effort into your appearance.  Especially on low-energy, depressive days, getting gussied up helps to elevate the mood).

I look like a Leading Lady because I'm embracing who I am, changing what I don't like, throwing away what doesn't serve me and I'm chasing my dreams!  I look like a Leading Lady because I believe I am a Leading Lady.

Let me be a little more cliche and add, "I think, therefore, I am."

I hope all you lovely Leading Ladies have an amazing weekend.  See you with a new post on Sunday.

Go Be Happy.  Now.

xoxo

Sidekick Girl: A State of Mind

For every 'It Girl' there is a trusty Sidekick.  

She's that girl you see trailing two steps behind, living in the shadows, playing second fiddle.  In movies and on TV, the sidekick girl role is usually played by a Person of Color.  She appears to be less attractive than the leading lady (so as not to pull focus, however, in real life this is not always the case) she has a nonexistent backstory and a 'sassy' attitude.  If you watch a lot of movies and TV like me you've seen this It Girl/ Sidekick Girl pairing a lot.  Maybe you've even seen yourself in one of those roles.

Funny or Die: The Black Best Friend with Casey Wilson

I wanted to see myself as the leading lady but I was actually the sidekick - to many different people not just to an 'It Girl'.  I was a follower, a people pleaser, a 'yes' girl and the girl whose name you forgot after I said it.  But this isn't just about surviving the Mean Girls experience because there were times when I was that "mean girl."  This is about how falling into that 'sidekick' role can happen to anyone and how you can be a sidekick to anyone (boyfriend, best friend, family member) if you allow it.

If you believe you're just a sidekick then you will be a sidekick.

I was bullied.  I grew up in a seriously unstable home environment.  I also lived in a White neighborhood and always felt like the token Black girl.  I had low self-esteem and I didn't know my self-worth.

So I had that sidekick girl mentality.

I didn't realize it until I moved to Los Angeles.  LA has a way of awakening your dormant insecurities, causing them to bubble up to the surface and spew all over your bathroom floor - oh wait that was me after too many Jägerbombs - but I digress.  

After I found out I was a sidekick girl I got depressed.  I partied hard.  I rebelled against authority figures, took my daddy issues out on boyfriends, dabbled with unprotected sex - once.  I cried a lot.  I drank a lot.  I had a lot of sex.

 

But then I realized none of that was working for me.  Gone were my 'sexy tipsy' days anyway.  Over the years I'd morphed into an angry drunk and on more than one occasion I would wake up the next morning with an insane hangover and this awful feeling that I owed someone an apology.  That was never a pleasant feeling.  But I would go do the same thing again and the cycle would continue.

I had my 'a-ha' moment when on a particularly low night I needed a friend and realized there was no one to reach out to - or who would take my call.  I knew then it was time to make some serious changes.

But a 'a-ha' moment didn't mean I suddenly had all the answers.  Plus there was still the issue of my drinking...and sex addiction but we'll get to that later.  I went to therapy, read a ton of self-improvement books, gave up drinking for awhile, sent apology (and goodbye) emails and waited for my life to magically get better.

It didn't.

I realized I wasn't going to undo years of damage overnight.  I was going to have to work at this everyday.  It's easy to sit on the sidelines and blame everyone else for your misery.  I did that for a long time until I figured out that was a waste of time.  I needed to take an active role in my own life.  Change doesn't just happen.  We make it happen.  No matter how scary it is or how hideous we look during the transition we have to go through that fire if we want to see radical results.

Because I can be sexy tipsy again.  I can laugh and be positive again.  I can meet new people and not automatically assume they're out to hurt me.  I can be lovable- I can believe I am lovable.  I just have to work at it.  Everyday.  Everyday until it just comes naturally.

Because I'm not a Sidekick Girl.  Despite the number of girls that look like me who play that role in movies - I know I wasn't born to play that role.  None of us was born to play that role.

So let's kick that Sidekick Girl mentality and take our rightful place in the spotlight.

Go Be Happy.  Now.
(Pictures by Orlando Mercado)