Attitude Adjustment

I spent the day updating my retail resume and for the first time since graduating from college I didn't feel like it was a complete waste of time.  In fact, I actually felt a sense of accomplishment.

Look who finally had an attitude adjustment.

I guess I've been walking around with a chip on my shoulder.  I never would have admitted it before because I didn't want to be the 'angry Black girl', but the truth is I was angry.

I had an attitude problem.  I had good reason to be angry but being angry didn't solve anything.  It didn't change or improve my life one bit.  It didn't get me the career or the friends I wanted.  It certainly didn't punish the people who'd made me angry.  All it did was poison my life kept me in the exact same place all these years.  

So I had to change my attitude and release all that anger.  

Changing my attitude meant being truly thankful for the jobs that I did have instead of looking down on them because they weren't my dream jobs.  Changing my attitude meant working just as hard at my retails jobs as I would for any film job.  Changing my attitude meant finding a way to deal with my anger without letting it consume me and hold me back.  It meant fighting for the life I wanted and finding a way to be happy.

Occasionally I may still have a chip on my shoulder.  I may, on occasion, feel angry.  But I don't have to let that chip or that anger take hold of me and prevent me from doing everything in my power to reach my full potential.

So today I've been updating my retail resume and I'm perfectly happy to do it.

New People Anxiety

I knew that at some point, after all the big chopping, allergy testing and cutting toxic people out of my life was done I would eventually make new contacts - whether I was ready for it or not.

I wasn't sure when it would happen or if it would happen.  I think part of me imagined myself living out my days in Los Angeles without ever interacting with anyone again.  At least I'd avoid getting hurt.

But that's no way to live.

Now I'm suddenly in London and I don't feel the need to stay indoors all the time.  In fact, part of me feels excited about the prospect of meeting new people.  The other part of me is scared to death.

Maybe it's strange to some that I have anxiety about meeting new people.  I find it strange myself, especially since I used to think of myself as a gregarious person.  Deep down, underneath all this fear and anger I believe there is still that happy, outgoing, fearless girl running around with her heart on her sleeve.  I want to be her again.  I feel like I could be her again - only wiser and more careful.

I just need to get past this part right here.

I'm doing my mental checklist and reviewing my Former Sidekick Girl Code of Conduct.  As I meet new people in this new environment, I'm carefully monitoring my own behavior and watching out for any red flags.  So far no red flags but one thing I learned the hard way is that people don't always reveal their true selves right away so I'm being cautious and vigilant.  I'm still approachable and friendly but I know my boundaries and I'm taking care not to misrepresent myself as a doormat.  Or a sidekick.

The good thing about going into a new friendship cautiously is that you can observe the new people coming into your life at a safe distance.  I like to pay close attention to a person's actions.  Do they like to gossip about mutual friends?  Do they throw shade and try to play it off as a joke?  Are they the type to leave you hanging or drop you for a better offer?  These are small infractions.  They don't necessarily means someone is a bad person but if that's not the type of behavior you want to deal with at this stage of your life then I recommend reconsidering how much time you want to spend with those type of people.

Personally, I've had my fill of the catty, the backstabbers, the drainers, the users and the unreliable friends.  I don't want to develop a friendship with someone who clearly looks down on me and only wants to hang out when it's convenient for them.  I don't want to be in a friendship where I feel the need to match the energy level of someone else who's clearly performing.

I did all that.

Now I'm ready for real friendships.  People who will go out of their way for you.  People who invite you out not out of obligation but because they genuinely want you to show up.  People who make you laugh not because they're cracking jokes about another person but because they actually know how to hold an interesting conversation.

I used to be a friendship chameleon and a doormat and even a mean girl.  I was probably at my worst in musical theatre school because I wanted so badly to fit in and be liked.

I lost myself and it took a long time to find my way back.

I won't make that same mistake this time around.  Not joining in with the rest of the herd might not make me popular but at least I'll find the real friendships I'm searching for.



Go Be Happy.  Now.