I can't afford valium but I can afford alcohol

I had a tough day last week.

I hope you didn't think this blog was only going to chronicle all the good parts of my post sidekick girl life.  If so, I'm sorry to say you'll be disappointed.  I have decided to pursue a life that makes me happy without all the friendship drama but that doesn't mean there aren't bad days.

And I do still have bad days.
My bad days generally involve a lot of crying and feeling overwhelmed and full of dread.
A panic attack basically.

As a child I got them pretty often.  But when you grow up in a Christian home they aren't called panic attacks.  You're either attention starved or possessed by the devil.  But I was hurting and I needed help.

As an adult I rarely get them.  The last one was well over a year ago.  So I count even this moment of complete overwhelming devastation a victory.  Because somehow - despite that overwhelming feeling of dread and temporary fear of going outside - I managed to leave my apartment and get to work- albeit an hour late.

In the past panic attacks kept me indoors for days.  I called off work.  Skipped class.  Shut myself off from the world because I couldn't deal.

But now I guess I can deal.

I am dealing.

I met a new girl who told me that she takes Valium for her panic attacks.  I've never taken Valium or any type of depression medication before.  I don't know much about it aside from what I've read in books or seen in movies starring spoiled rich white kids and women who start drinking wine at 10am.  All I know is that it's supposed to help ease the anxiety.  I'm not the type to put random pills into my body.  The closest I ever came to that was diet pills- which I don't do anymore. 

Plus I can't afford Valium.

I can, however, afford alcohol.  Don't judge me but a little bit of alcohol goes a long way.  A glass of red wine.  A shot of whiskey.  Or a bit of Khalua in my morning coffee usually does the trick.  *This is not me giving out advice.  Please don't follow my lead here.  I'm merely sharing apart of my life as I continue to work on myself.  I don't think alcohol solves any problems.  If you choose to see it as a cry for help then by all means feel free to pray for me.

This is just how I cope for now.

I haven't made it to the other side of perfect yet.  I only just started this journey and I have a long way to go.  So there are still hard days- really hard days.  Being on my own without the distraction of toxic, drama-filled friendships means I have more time to work on myself. 

And that's a good thing.
But sometimes it takes a little sip of something to get me through the dark days.

 

I can afford a sip here and there.

At Least They Knew Who I Was

In high school, I started a Gospel Choir.  For some reason, that annoyed some of my classmates.  People I didn't even know personally were perturbed that there was a mostly-Black Gospel Choir running around school, singing about God.

I didn't realize we'd offended anyone until I read our student newspaper where a senior athlete (I think he was a football player) wrote an article about me and the gospel choir.  It was a scathing comment and one that should've made me cry.  I distinctly remember my own classmates shoving the newspaper in my face, demanding that I read the article, waiting with bated breath to see my reaction.

Normally I would've given them the show they wanted.

I would've cussed and screamed and complained about the article being printed and everyone would've watched with delight as I had a complete meltdown.  That's what high school was like for me.  White kids would use the N word and everyone would look at me to see what I would say.  White kids would tell racist jokes and again, all eyes went to me for my reaction.  It was a terrible time for me before I learned to play the game - which would not happen for many years.  

So when this senior printed this article about me and the gospel choir I'm quite certain everyone thought this would be the thing that would finally cause me to snap.  But I surprised everyone by laughing at the article.  I was more excited about being in the newspaper than anything.  I didn't care what it said about me.  I was in the newspaper!

Plus, I was a sophomore and a senior knew who I was.  At the time, it was the most exciting thing to happen to me - I was in high school after all.  I thought being notorious was better than being invisible.  And I definitely wasn't invisible.  They knew who I was.  I couldn't tell you who that senior athlete was.  I don't know his name.  I don't know what he's doing with his life.  I don't care.  But I bet when he thinks back on his high school years he remembers the strong-willed little Black girl running around with her Gospel Choir and step team (we formed a step team too!).  He remembers me.

I probably would've had an easier time in high school if I had listened to my friends and family and kept my head down.  But I didn't listen.  Instead I protested.  I spoke my mind.  I made some noise.  Sometimes it was a waste of energy but  every once in awhile I got to make a difference.  Starting that gospel choir and step team was part of that.

I wasn't supposed to keep my head down - I was supposed to be remembered.

As are you.  So don't be afraid to make some noise.  Be remembered.  Start a Gospel choir or a step team.  Hey, maybe you'll even make the school paper.    

On Realizing I Don't Owe Anyone An Explanation

The people in our lives are very curious about us, aren't they?

For some of our friends and family members, that curiosity isn't just about their overall concern for our well-being.

That curiosity is about their thirst for juicy gossip.

Beware of the friend who's always pumping you for information about your life, your other friendships, your family and especially your romantic involvements.  I'm not saying don't trust any of your friends.   I'm saying pay attention to the ones who always seem to want all the juicy details.  Odds are they're either looking for information that they can file away for future use or they're looking to be entertained.

Or both.

As a kid, I wanted everyone to like me.  I was way too trusting and I thought if someone was my friend that meant they were privy to every personal detail of my life.  Because of the circle of trust.  (I watched way too many episodes of FRIENDS and SEX AND THE CITY).

I thought friendship was about sharing all of my secrets and offering explanations when those shared secrets raised questions.

I should've listened to my mom.  She tried to warn me about people - especially females.  The kind of females who would be secretly jealous of my life.  Or the kind of females who mistook my kindness for weakness.  Or the kind of females who liked having a sidekick.  My mom tried to tell me to steer clear of those types of women but I didn't listen.

"But Dawn," she would caution, "Not everyone needs to know all your business.  Some things should stay private."

It turns out my mom was right.  At the time, I didn't heed her warnings.  So I learned my lesson the hard way.  After years of having friends turn out to be backstabbers and bullies and even thieves then turning around and throwing my personal stuff in my face - like my being out of work - I finally realized I should've been listening to my mom all along.

Recently, I was in a pointless argument with a girl who low-key threatened to expose all the secrets she'd kept of mine over the years.  I think she thought she had some kind of power over me because of the things I'd told her in confidence.

What she knows about me is honestly just fun little scandals you'll no-doubt find out about through my blogs and my Youtube channel.  So I'm not worried about her little threats.  Sure I had secrets on her too but obviously I'm a good person.  Just because I didn't want to be friends with her anymore didn't mean I needed to let the world see just how basic she was.  That wasn't my job.

But I was still pretty pissed off.  

That was the final straw - the final lesson that I needed to learn about toxic friendships and keeping my business to myself.
  
What I know now, as an adult, is that people will mistake your kindness for weakness.  They will be thirsty for juicy gossip and if you're the girl who's always sharing her personal business then they know who to go to for a fix.  People will also use your secrets against you if you're not careful.  Whether they throw them in your face during a terrible fight or tell anyone who will listen about that time you took a classmate's virginity as a favor to him - they will find a way to get leverage and to hurt you.

That's just how sucky people can be.

But I finally understand something about trust and how not everyone should automatically have my trust.  I also no longer feel like I owe anyone answers to their probing questions - no matter how much they insist that I share every gritty detail - I can simply say no.  I can change the subject.  I can politely tell them to mind their own business.

It's something I really have to work on too because telling people my business is like second nature.

I slipped up not too long ago with a new person who repeated something I'd said to a friend almost causing an argument between us.  She tried to play if off like she didn't mean to cause friction - and really only God knows her heart - but the circumstances were quite strange.

I'm still mentally kicking myself for that one because I should've known better.  

Protect your secrets.  Be mindful of the people you have in your circle.  It's a process for me.  This whole transformation is probably going to get a little ugly for awhile.  But I'm fighting for my happiness and my own peace of mind.  Everyday is a new day to try again.  

And at the end of the day it's worth it.  

I Have Forgotten Everything

I'm not spinning a Nora Ephron quote or her book of essays into an original thought here.

I truly have forgotten everything.  And...I remember nothing.

Shortly after graduating from NYU I started to forget the names of people I went to school with.  There are certain people and names that will always stick with me.  Like the guy I was always butting heads with in film class and unexpectedly ran into at Trader Joe's clear across the country one random night.  Or the first girl to ever befriend me in college.  Or my college sweetheart.  Of course those are people who will stick with me for a long time.  But as for the rest of them it always takes me a moment to remember them.

It can be quite a jarring experience too.  Suddenly I'm standing in front of a guy who's smiling at me.  He knows me from sophomore year or something.  Apparently we were friends.  We joked around in class.  We even hung out in a group once or twice.   It's only been a couple of years since graduation and yet I have no recollection of who he is.  It's embarrassing.  And of course he thinks I'm just being pretentious and I don't have the heart to tell him I'm losing my memory.  I doubt he'd believe me anyway so I let it go.  We part ways and never see each other again - at least I don't think we do.  I wouldn't know for sure since I forget names and faces.

There are bits and pieces of my childhood missing.  But I feel like that's normal.  Don't most people forget the details of their childhood as they get older?  

There is a good chunk of my experience of NYU that remains blank to this day.  In my mind, I can remember freshman year.  Drinking my first long island iced tea.  My horrible roommates.  Spotting the boy I would crush on for all four years of college (and another three years after).  I can remember the first time my college sweetheart and I locked eyes.  And how much he made me laugh.

But then sophomore year came and everything just goes black until  graduation day.  Like, someone went into my head and Eternal-Sunshine-of-the-Spotless-Mind-ed me and took away my memories.  Along with those lost years are any people I may have met, hooked up with, offended, randomly drunk dialed, sexted, cussed out, tried to make out with and/or confessed my undying love to.  

If you are among those then please - drop me a line.  Re-introduce yourself and let's try this again OK?

Because I think the fog has lifted.  Whatever made me block out three years of college might be resolved and memories can resume.  I've been able to remember the last 5 years here in LA...so.  

Things are looking up.  

Taking Time to Be Alone

For the past couple of years I've been spending a lot of time alone.

I stepped away from almost all of my friendships and just kind of went in for awhile.  It was lonely but it gave me a chance to get to know myself.   During that time I realized there were things I liked about myself that I wouldn't change and then there were things I needed to take a closer look at.  

I also took time to reflect on the friendships I'd stepped away from - all of them, not just the toxic ones - and I could see who was missing from my life.  The absence of those healthy relationships was noticeable.  So when it was time to face the world again those were the friendships I focused on rekindling.

I like to call this process of stepping away from people and slowly reintegrating them back into my life my Friendship Allergy Test.

As I started opening myself up to friendships again I was very aware of how I reacted to their presence.  If I found myself breaking out in hives or sneezing uncontrollably around certain people I knew I was allergic to their B.S. and would need to keep my distance.  So far, the allergy test has worked wonders.  I've had almost no allergic reactions.

I don't hang out with people who make me break out in hives.  I don't hang out with people who spend the entire night making fun of me or criticizing me or asking me personal questions about my life because they're thirsty for juicy gossip.  I don't spend time with people who are competitive with me or condescending or judgmental of me.  I don't spend time with people who make me uncomfortable or give me ulcers.  Most importantly, I don't spend time with people who physically assault me.  It's been awesome.

The friendships I'm rekindling are even better than they'd been before I had my breakthrough.  So - yay!  It works.  Now maybe you won't have a physical reaction to people like breaking out in hives or getting ulcers but internally you'll know if someone isn't a right fit.  You should pay attention to that little voice that's trying to warn you about a potential toxic friendship.

If you can't hear that voice, then take some time to be alone and get to know yourself.  Being able to be alone is important.  If you can't spend time by yourself how can you expect anyone else to want to spend time with you?  I had to get used to it.  To the silence.  To hearing only my own thoughts.  But as time went on I got better at being alone.  Now I absolutely cherish my alone time.

Real friends, by the way, will allow you to step away for a bit and take some time to yourself.  They won't guilt trip you or try to pressure you into remaining that fun, party girl who always drank too much and made a fool of herself.  Real friends want you to get your shit together.  They'll support you while you're doing it and they won't make it all about them.

As you do your friendship allergy test take note of who's being an understanding friend and who's making it all about them.  Most likely the people making it all about them will be the people you won't miss.

Go Be Happy.  Now.

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Read That Former Sidekick Girl's Code of Conduct