Unbox Yourself | Reject the Labels

 I've been called many different names:  

"Don"
"The crazy one"
"Sharlena"

My sixth grade best friend jokingly called me "Coolio" after the rapper because I'd put my real hair into mini-braids that resembled his hair.

I was called "nugget" for most of my childhood because of the knot on my forehead caused by too many clumsy encounters with walls and other hard surfaces.

And then there was the time an NYU security guard referred to me as 'sucio' which is a Spanish word meaning dirty.  I was signing a boy into my dorm at about 3am and I guess he frowned on that sort of behavior - of course he had no way of knowing that the boy in question was my brother.

That one time, in college, I was a sidechick.  I didn't know it - I didn't know the guy I was hooking up with was cheating on his girlfriend with me and no amount of denying culpability after the fact would save my reputation so you could add "slut" and "homewrecker" to the list of names.  But I wasn't any of those things and at one point I decided to reject them.  It's not what people call you, it's what you answer to.  Once it clicked that I didn't have to be any of those things everything else fell into place.  

I suddenly understood that there will always be something about me that doesn't quite sit well with other people and that's just going to have be OK.  It used to bother me so much when people didn't like me.  I thought there was something wrong with me.  But now I say if someone doesn't like me that's their problem.  Not mine.  The truth is, I either possess qualities they hate about themselves or I possess qualities they want for themselves.  Either way it's for them to figure out - not me.  Friendships are tricky enough to navigate without me (or anyone) having to think for the other person or try to read their thoughts.

I read a book called "The Twisted Sisterhood" by Kelly Valen where she touched on some pretty heavy stuff regarding female friendships.  

The part that resonated with me was the chapter on Tribes, Packs and Cliques and how women who've been tormented by groups of women in their younger years (i.e. sororities, girls' camp, cheerleading squads) tend to shy away from big groups of women in their adult years (i.e. exercise classes, writing groups, Mommy & Me etc).  Reading this book helped me understand why I tend to avoid female groups and opt for one-on-one outings.  I have several female friends but I rarely hang out with more than one at a time.  It had never occurred to me that I was making the conscious effort to keep my girlfriends separate from each other for the purpose of self-preservation.


The book helped me to understood why I thought the way I did.  When we can pinpoint what is it about ourselves that makes us behave or react a certain way toward other people we can make better choices about how we treat those people.


When I find myself giving the unnecessary 'side eye' to someone else I pause to think about why I'm throwing shade.  Am I jealous?  Or do I recognize something in that person that I don't like about myself?  There's not always a simple answer - sometimes it turns out me and that other person just aren't a good match.  At least instead of wasting time and energy being snarky, backbiting or being angry and upset all the time, I'm able to sort out my feelings and decide what to do about that friendship.

I'm also more aware when other people are throwing shade at me and because I know it has nothing to do with me I can laugh it off without getting bent out of shape.  For instance, a girl at work is constantly making jokes or rolling her eyes at me whenever a male co-worker talks to me.  Whether we're flirting or not (we're not flirting - most of the males I work with are like 20.  I don't plan to hook up with 20-year-olds until I'm in my 40s) this co-worker just had jokes or snarky remarks and then would smile in my face like she just did something.  When I was 20 that kind of thing would have me in tears.  But now I see it for what it is and it doesn't bother me.

Once I stopped worrying about what other people thought of me life got so much easier.

In conclusion: 

1) Not everyone will like you. 

2) If someone doesn't like you that's their problem.
3) People can only treat you the way you allow them to treat you.  

It took me 15 years to accept that.  If you're just getting into your teen years learn it now and learn it fast.  Don't waste the sexiest years of your life chasing after people and trying to get them to like you.  You're better than that.  Know yourself and your worth and reject the rest.  Don't let anyone put you in any box or label you anything that isn't who you are.  

Go Be Happy.  Now.