Sidekick Girl: A State of Mind

For every 'It Girl' there is a trusty Sidekick.  

She's that girl you see trailing two steps behind, living in the shadows, playing second fiddle.  In movies and on TV, the sidekick girl role is usually played by a Person of Color.  She appears to be less attractive than the leading lady (so as not to pull focus, however, in real life this is not always the case) she has a nonexistent backstory and a 'sassy' attitude.  If you watch a lot of movies and TV like me you've seen this It Girl/ Sidekick Girl pairing a lot.  Maybe you've even seen yourself in one of those roles.

Funny or Die: The Black Best Friend with Casey Wilson

I wanted to see myself as the leading lady but I was actually the sidekick - to many different people not just to an 'It Girl'.  I was a follower, a people pleaser, a 'yes' girl and the girl whose name you forgot after I said it.  But this isn't just about surviving the Mean Girls experience because there were times when I was that "mean girl."  This is about how falling into that 'sidekick' role can happen to anyone and how you can be a sidekick to anyone (boyfriend, best friend, family member) if you allow it.

If you believe you're just a sidekick then you will be a sidekick.

I was bullied.  I grew up in a seriously unstable home environment.  I also lived in a White neighborhood and always felt like the token Black girl.  I had low self-esteem and I didn't know my self-worth.

So I had that sidekick girl mentality.

I didn't realize it until I moved to Los Angeles.  LA has a way of awakening your dormant insecurities, causing them to bubble up to the surface and spew all over your bathroom floor - oh wait that was me after too many Jägerbombs - but I digress.  

After I found out I was a sidekick girl I got depressed.  I partied hard.  I rebelled against authority figures, took my daddy issues out on boyfriends, dabbled with unprotected sex - once.  I cried a lot.  I drank a lot.  I had a lot of sex.

 

But then I realized none of that was working for me.  Gone were my 'sexy tipsy' days anyway.  Over the years I'd morphed into an angry drunk and on more than one occasion I would wake up the next morning with an insane hangover and this awful feeling that I owed someone an apology.  That was never a pleasant feeling.  But I would go do the same thing again and the cycle would continue.

I had my 'a-ha' moment when on a particularly low night I needed a friend and realized there was no one to reach out to - or who would take my call.  I knew then it was time to make some serious changes.

But a 'a-ha' moment didn't mean I suddenly had all the answers.  Plus there was still the issue of my drinking...and sex addiction but we'll get to that later.  I went to therapy, read a ton of self-improvement books, gave up drinking for awhile, sent apology (and goodbye) emails and waited for my life to magically get better.

It didn't.

I realized I wasn't going to undo years of damage overnight.  I was going to have to work at this everyday.  It's easy to sit on the sidelines and blame everyone else for your misery.  I did that for a long time until I figured out that was a waste of time.  I needed to take an active role in my own life.  Change doesn't just happen.  We make it happen.  No matter how scary it is or how hideous we look during the transition we have to go through that fire if we want to see radical results.

Because I can be sexy tipsy again.  I can laugh and be positive again.  I can meet new people and not automatically assume they're out to hurt me.  I can be lovable- I can believe I am lovable.  I just have to work at it.  Everyday.  Everyday until it just comes naturally.

Because I'm not a Sidekick Girl.  Despite the number of girls that look like me who play that role in movies - I know I wasn't born to play that role.  None of us was born to play that role.

So let's kick that Sidekick Girl mentality and take our rightful place in the spotlight.

Go Be Happy.  Now.
(Pictures by Orlando Mercado)