New People Anxiety

I knew that at some point, after all the big chopping, allergy testing and cutting toxic people out of my life was done I would eventually make new contacts - whether I was ready for it or not.

I wasn't sure when it would happen or if it would happen.  I think part of me imagined myself living out my days in Los Angeles without ever interacting with anyone again.  At least I'd avoid getting hurt.

But that's no way to live.

Now I'm suddenly in London and I don't feel the need to stay indoors all the time.  In fact, part of me feels excited about the prospect of meeting new people.  The other part of me is scared to death.

Maybe it's strange to some that I have anxiety about meeting new people.  I find it strange myself, especially since I used to think of myself as a gregarious person.  Deep down, underneath all this fear and anger I believe there is still that happy, outgoing, fearless girl running around with her heart on her sleeve.  I want to be her again.  I feel like I could be her again - only wiser and more careful.

I just need to get past this part right here.

I'm doing my mental checklist and reviewing my Former Sidekick Girl Code of Conduct.  As I meet new people in this new environment, I'm carefully monitoring my own behavior and watching out for any red flags.  So far no red flags but one thing I learned the hard way is that people don't always reveal their true selves right away so I'm being cautious and vigilant.  I'm still approachable and friendly but I know my boundaries and I'm taking care not to misrepresent myself as a doormat.  Or a sidekick.

The good thing about going into a new friendship cautiously is that you can observe the new people coming into your life at a safe distance.  I like to pay close attention to a person's actions.  Do they like to gossip about mutual friends?  Do they throw shade and try to play it off as a joke?  Are they the type to leave you hanging or drop you for a better offer?  These are small infractions.  They don't necessarily means someone is a bad person but if that's not the type of behavior you want to deal with at this stage of your life then I recommend reconsidering how much time you want to spend with those type of people.

Personally, I've had my fill of the catty, the backstabbers, the drainers, the users and the unreliable friends.  I don't want to develop a friendship with someone who clearly looks down on me and only wants to hang out when it's convenient for them.  I don't want to be in a friendship where I feel the need to match the energy level of someone else who's clearly performing.

I did all that.

Now I'm ready for real friendships.  People who will go out of their way for you.  People who invite you out not out of obligation but because they genuinely want you to show up.  People who make you laugh not because they're cracking jokes about another person but because they actually know how to hold an interesting conversation.

I used to be a friendship chameleon and a doormat and even a mean girl.  I was probably at my worst in musical theatre school because I wanted so badly to fit in and be liked.

I lost myself and it took a long time to find my way back.

I won't make that same mistake this time around.  Not joining in with the rest of the herd might not make me popular but at least I'll find the real friendships I'm searching for.



Go Be Happy.  Now.

On Realizing I Don't Owe Anyone An Explanation

The people in our lives are very curious about us, aren't they?

For some of our friends and family members, that curiosity isn't just about their overall concern for our well-being.

That curiosity is about their thirst for juicy gossip.

Beware of the friend who's always pumping you for information about your life, your other friendships, your family and especially your romantic involvements.  I'm not saying don't trust any of your friends.   I'm saying pay attention to the ones who always seem to want all the juicy details.  Odds are they're either looking for information that they can file away for future use or they're looking to be entertained.

Or both.

As a kid, I wanted everyone to like me.  I was way too trusting and I thought if someone was my friend that meant they were privy to every personal detail of my life.  Because of the circle of trust.  (I watched way too many episodes of FRIENDS and SEX AND THE CITY).

I thought friendship was about sharing all of my secrets and offering explanations when those shared secrets raised questions.

I should've listened to my mom.  She tried to warn me about people - especially females.  The kind of females who would be secretly jealous of my life.  Or the kind of females who mistook my kindness for weakness.  Or the kind of females who liked having a sidekick.  My mom tried to tell me to steer clear of those types of women but I didn't listen.

"But Dawn," she would caution, "Not everyone needs to know all your business.  Some things should stay private."

It turns out my mom was right.  At the time, I didn't heed her warnings.  So I learned my lesson the hard way.  After years of having friends turn out to be backstabbers and bullies and even thieves then turning around and throwing my personal stuff in my face - like my being out of work - I finally realized I should've been listening to my mom all along.

Recently, I was in a pointless argument with a girl who low-key threatened to expose all the secrets she'd kept of mine over the years.  I think she thought she had some kind of power over me because of the things I'd told her in confidence.

What she knows about me is honestly just fun little scandals you'll no-doubt find out about through my blogs and my Youtube channel.  So I'm not worried about her little threats.  Sure I had secrets on her too but obviously I'm a good person.  Just because I didn't want to be friends with her anymore didn't mean I needed to let the world see just how basic she was.  That wasn't my job.

But I was still pretty pissed off.  

That was the final straw - the final lesson that I needed to learn about toxic friendships and keeping my business to myself.
  
What I know now, as an adult, is that people will mistake your kindness for weakness.  They will be thirsty for juicy gossip and if you're the girl who's always sharing her personal business then they know who to go to for a fix.  People will also use your secrets against you if you're not careful.  Whether they throw them in your face during a terrible fight or tell anyone who will listen about that time you took a classmate's virginity as a favor to him - they will find a way to get leverage and to hurt you.

That's just how sucky people can be.

But I finally understand something about trust and how not everyone should automatically have my trust.  I also no longer feel like I owe anyone answers to their probing questions - no matter how much they insist that I share every gritty detail - I can simply say no.  I can change the subject.  I can politely tell them to mind their own business.

It's something I really have to work on too because telling people my business is like second nature.

I slipped up not too long ago with a new person who repeated something I'd said to a friend almost causing an argument between us.  She tried to play if off like she didn't mean to cause friction - and really only God knows her heart - but the circumstances were quite strange.

I'm still mentally kicking myself for that one because I should've known better.  

Protect your secrets.  Be mindful of the people you have in your circle.  It's a process for me.  This whole transformation is probably going to get a little ugly for awhile.  But I'm fighting for my happiness and my own peace of mind.  Everyday is a new day to try again.  

And at the end of the day it's worth it.  

I Have Forgotten Everything

I'm not spinning a Nora Ephron quote or her book of essays into an original thought here.

I truly have forgotten everything.  And...I remember nothing.

Shortly after graduating from NYU I started to forget the names of people I went to school with.  There are certain people and names that will always stick with me.  Like the guy I was always butting heads with in film class and unexpectedly ran into at Trader Joe's clear across the country one random night.  Or the first girl to ever befriend me in college.  Or my college sweetheart.  Of course those are people who will stick with me for a long time.  But as for the rest of them it always takes me a moment to remember them.

It can be quite a jarring experience too.  Suddenly I'm standing in front of a guy who's smiling at me.  He knows me from sophomore year or something.  Apparently we were friends.  We joked around in class.  We even hung out in a group once or twice.   It's only been a couple of years since graduation and yet I have no recollection of who he is.  It's embarrassing.  And of course he thinks I'm just being pretentious and I don't have the heart to tell him I'm losing my memory.  I doubt he'd believe me anyway so I let it go.  We part ways and never see each other again - at least I don't think we do.  I wouldn't know for sure since I forget names and faces.

There are bits and pieces of my childhood missing.  But I feel like that's normal.  Don't most people forget the details of their childhood as they get older?  

There is a good chunk of my experience of NYU that remains blank to this day.  In my mind, I can remember freshman year.  Drinking my first long island iced tea.  My horrible roommates.  Spotting the boy I would crush on for all four years of college (and another three years after).  I can remember the first time my college sweetheart and I locked eyes.  And how much he made me laugh.

But then sophomore year came and everything just goes black until  graduation day.  Like, someone went into my head and Eternal-Sunshine-of-the-Spotless-Mind-ed me and took away my memories.  Along with those lost years are any people I may have met, hooked up with, offended, randomly drunk dialed, sexted, cussed out, tried to make out with and/or confessed my undying love to.  

If you are among those then please - drop me a line.  Re-introduce yourself and let's try this again OK?

Because I think the fog has lifted.  Whatever made me block out three years of college might be resolved and memories can resume.  I've been able to remember the last 5 years here in LA...so.  

Things are looking up.  

Taking Time to Be Alone

For the past couple of years I've been spending a lot of time alone.

I stepped away from almost all of my friendships and just kind of went in for awhile.  It was lonely but it gave me a chance to get to know myself.   During that time I realized there were things I liked about myself that I wouldn't change and then there were things I needed to take a closer look at.  

I also took time to reflect on the friendships I'd stepped away from - all of them, not just the toxic ones - and I could see who was missing from my life.  The absence of those healthy relationships was noticeable.  So when it was time to face the world again those were the friendships I focused on rekindling.

I like to call this process of stepping away from people and slowly reintegrating them back into my life my Friendship Allergy Test.

As I started opening myself up to friendships again I was very aware of how I reacted to their presence.  If I found myself breaking out in hives or sneezing uncontrollably around certain people I knew I was allergic to their B.S. and would need to keep my distance.  So far, the allergy test has worked wonders.  I've had almost no allergic reactions.

I don't hang out with people who make me break out in hives.  I don't hang out with people who spend the entire night making fun of me or criticizing me or asking me personal questions about my life because they're thirsty for juicy gossip.  I don't spend time with people who are competitive with me or condescending or judgmental of me.  I don't spend time with people who make me uncomfortable or give me ulcers.  Most importantly, I don't spend time with people who physically assault me.  It's been awesome.

The friendships I'm rekindling are even better than they'd been before I had my breakthrough.  So - yay!  It works.  Now maybe you won't have a physical reaction to people like breaking out in hives or getting ulcers but internally you'll know if someone isn't a right fit.  You should pay attention to that little voice that's trying to warn you about a potential toxic friendship.

If you can't hear that voice, then take some time to be alone and get to know yourself.  Being able to be alone is important.  If you can't spend time by yourself how can you expect anyone else to want to spend time with you?  I had to get used to it.  To the silence.  To hearing only my own thoughts.  But as time went on I got better at being alone.  Now I absolutely cherish my alone time.

Real friends, by the way, will allow you to step away for a bit and take some time to yourself.  They won't guilt trip you or try to pressure you into remaining that fun, party girl who always drank too much and made a fool of herself.  Real friends want you to get your shit together.  They'll support you while you're doing it and they won't make it all about them.

As you do your friendship allergy test take note of who's being an understanding friend and who's making it all about them.  Most likely the people making it all about them will be the people you won't miss.

Go Be Happy.  Now.

Check out my new Video "Big Chop | What Your Friends Really Think About You" - Don't forget to subscribe!


Read That Former Sidekick Girl's Code of Conduct 

You Can Cry

You can cry

Because there was loss.  A friendship at first filled with laughter and shared secrets.  Then suddenly you were alone.  So you can cry.  You can cry because this is what you always feared.  This is what you always ran from.  That pang of sadness.  That twinge of guilt.  That feeling of abandonment.  That hopelessness.  That realization that nothing is in your control.  Not even your tears.  You can cry.  Because you shut down for years just to avoid this and yet here you are.  There is no escaping it.  So let it out.  15 years of tears.  Cry.  Release.  Cry.  Release.  Cry.  Release.  Cry.  You can cry because there was love.  And you thought one day they'd be at your wedding.  And at your baby shower.  And you thought your children would be best friends.    You can cry because it matters and it doesn't make you weak.  You can cry because you can still be a strong Black woman tomorrow.  You can cry because you admit you made mistakes.  You can cry because later you will have to get back to working on changing things so this doesn't happen again.  Cry.  Release.  Cry.  Release.  Cry.  You can cry because if you don't you'll keep running.  You'll shut down again and you'll never truly move on.  You can cry because it's not easy to let go though it may seem effortless.  You can cry because it's cheaper than therapy.

And because it's what you do.

Watch the video of this blog!

"You can Cry" Written and Performed by Dawn Melissa Green

De-clutter Your Life

I got hooked on subscription services guys!  

From Ipsy, Wantable, We are onyx, Love with Food, Curlbox, Curlkit, Hairfinity, Julep....even Your Tea (I'll do a review on Your Tea/Tiny Tea soon - suffice it to say it wasn't a pleasant experience and I honestly don't recommend wasting your money on a company that gets defensive and makes up any excuse to explain why their product isn't working including suggesting you go see a doctor because maybe there's something wrong with your body....but I digress).

Anyway, I got hooked on basically buying things for no reason.  Maybe it was from reading blog reviews and watching Youtube reviews.  Maybe I thought having those products would make me happier or fulfilled.  Maybe I just have an addictive personality.  It's probably all of the above. 

But after awhile I took a look around my already cluttered apartment and I realized I had a problem. 

I had all this stuff. 

And I didn't need any of it. 

And I wasn't happy or fulfilled. 

And my bank account wasn't happy either. 

I'd missed something.  I looked for the quick fix instead of dealing with the real issue.  I got a high from seeing my Onyx box in the mail.  I got a buzz when I saw an email from Ipsy saying my glam bag had shipped.  But then those highs and buzzes would fade and I would sit there with all these samples that don't really suit me (let me stop lying, I love everything about We Are Onyx.  Like EVERYTHING) - And I would still feel empty.

I canceled my subscription services and started going through my things.  I made piles.

To keep. 

Throw away. 

Donate.

When I was done and looked at my piles I saw my 'too keep' pile was very small.  If I was doing an honest assessment I could see that most of the things I had was just clutter.  

I dusted off my copy of Gail Blanke's Throw Out Fifty Things and rereading the book helped me get organized and part with the things I didn't need or want.  (I might have mentioned this before but I used to be addicted to collecting Self-help books.  It was one of my more innocent addictions and one I was sort of proud to have.  I'm one of those people who benefits from having a 12 step program when it comes to self-improvement.  I like having my journey mapped out for me.)

So I'm glad I had Gail Blanke's book to go back to in order to get de-cluttered.  It's a pretty simple concept really - you just throw out fifty things.  They can't be the same thing (i.e. 50 magazines counts as only ONE thing) but they can be pretty much anything from clothes to books...to people.  If they are connected to bad memories they should be in the 'throw away' or 'donate' pile for sure.  I threw out so many old t-shirts that were connected to old jobs and school activities (i.e. bad memories) and if felt so good never to have to look at a t-shirt from those camps I worked at or a sweatshirt from high school again.

Anyway, I came across a chapter where a woman talks about how she threw out her man.  She didn't physically toss her boyfriend in the trash, obviously, but she ended that relationship because it wasn't making her happy.  I thought it was genius of Gail Blanke to include this story in her book because it gave me the push I needed to start taking a closer look at some of the relationships I was involved in that weren't making me happy.  But tackling a home improvement job and throwing out objects is a lot easier to do than throwing out people. 

It shouldn't be done in haste or without consideration.

Before you get scissor happy, take a moment to really think about who adds to your life.  Who edifies you spiritually.  Who's there for you on your darkest days not just for happy hour or when they need something.  Who invites you out just to hang out and not because they're feeling bored or lonely or their other plans fell through?  Who always has your back no matter what and never bails on you for a better opportunity or more desirable friend? 

Go through your mental roledex and think about the people you have in your life - then start cutting out the drainers, the users, the verbal abusers, the liars, the haters, and the people who only keep you around "just in case". 

You are no one's back up plan.  You are no one's safe bet.  You are no one's after thought.  You are no one's stepping stone.  You are no one's trusty sidekick.

You're so much better than that. 

And deep down you know it.  So stop putting up with the BS.  Stop putting up with getting your feelings hurt or getting used or lied to.  Stop putting up with the guilt trips.  Stop putting up with being talked about behind your back.  Stop putting up with condescending people. 

Just stop it. 

Get rid of anything that doesn't serve you.  De-clutter your life.

Go be happy. Now.

Labor Day Weekend In New York

My trip to New York was very last minute.  I'd had it in the back of my head that I wanted to visit before the end of 2014 but I didn't know until about 2-3 days prior to actually leaving that I would be going.  I was very happy that I would be in New York for Labor Day Weekend and to spend the last days of summer with friends and family.  Since this trip was impromptu - and since it had been two years since last I was in New York and that trip hadn't been all that pleasant - I thought I'd blog about it.

I left my apartment in Los Angeles before the sun came out.  In true Dawn Melissa fashion I waited until the last minute to pack.  So I was up until about 3am packing and only slept 2 hours before leaving to catch my flight.  I got the aisle seat and didn't check my carry-on.  And I was pleased when I was able to lift my carry-on with one hand into the overhead compartments without any assistance from the men offering to help (I had a hot cup of coffee in the other hand and refused to toss it before boarding because it'd cost $5.  I think my lifting the luggage while holding the hot coffee made everyone around me a little nervous).  

I got to New York in the evening and pretty much spent the rest of the day sleeping and catching up on old episodes of MTV's Awkward. 

The next day was spent with Melinda a friend from college and one of my favorite people still living in New York.  I'd never been to Williamsburg so I thought it would be fun to meet her there.  We had lunch at a place called Sweet Chick where they served Chicken and Waffles but also Kale so- something for everyone.  I had chicken and pancakes but next time I go I will try their shrimp and grits.  

While we ate we had a really interesting chat about friendships.  I realized through this conversation that I'm in a place where I'm not open to just any kind of friendship anymore.  My standards have gone up and I'm really looking for genuine friendships.  I also realized that as far as LA is concerned I'm not open to new friendships.  I just don't believe I can find what I'm looking for here.  Which explains why I rarely go out anymore.  But that's all going to change very soon. 

The next day was spent walking around Central Park, Times Square, Greenwich village and Soho.

  

I walked so much my feet were killing me. 

At one point, while sitting on a rock in Central Park, one of those typical upper eastside types dripped her Gyro on me because she was so busy keeping up a steady stream of nonsensical conversation with a couple of toddlers that she didn't notice me.  Hey I guess when I have children I'll be the same way do I won't make fun of her too much - still, kind of annoying.  Normally I get pretty ticked off when people drop food on me but in this instance I was relieved that it hadn't been bird poop.  So I let it slide.

The next day was spent preparing for a party to celebrate the Virgin Mary.  Orlando's parents had been planning for a year and were excited that Orlando was able to come to New York to show his support.  Orlando's mom inspected the dress I'd packed and made sure I had accessories and a handbag to go with it.  I also had to wear heels.  Then she sent me to get my nails done- which I thoroughly enjoyed.  Meanwhile, Orlando, his father and his brothers went to get suits for the occasion.   

Everyone looked very nice.  Especially Orlando who had to make a speech in Spanish.  He did well.  I will post a vlog about that on my channel.  The party was fun.  I even got to put some of those salsa lessons Orlando and I took together to good use.

The next day, we went to a BBQ on Long Island.  By this time I was covered in mosquito bites so I was a little uncomfortable.  I wasn't used to humidity or dealing with mosquitos but what I didn't mind was the rain.  The California drought had me thirsty for a rainstorm.  So I was ecstatic when it started raining during the BBQ.  That didn't stop us from eating and playing flip cup (which I'm pretty good at BTW).  

On the way home we stopped to get lotion for my bug bites.  At one point, a little girl and her dad came in the store.  Someone on her way our held the door for the dad and he walked through without acknowledging the person who'd held the door.  The little girl called out to her dad, "she held the door for you dad, what do you say?  What do you say dad?!". The dad looked embarrassed as everyone stared at him then he mumbled, "Thank you," and rushed off.  It was an awesome moment.  I realized kids always have something to teach their entitled parents. 

I saw my family the next day.  My cousins and their kids, my goddaughter, my aunts, my brother and sister and grandad.  Pretty much everyone except my mom, which was a bummer, but I got to talk with her on the phone.  

It was a nice day spent in Pennsylvania and a really great way to wrap up the Labor Day Weekend festivities.  With more food, movies and picture taking.  The best part was that I got to meet the newest addition to the family- my one month old cousin Amari Egypt.  

If ever I were certain that I wanted kids it was in this moment.  Holding that tiny baby and falling head over heals in love.

I spent my last day back in Queens going through a bunch of old high school and college photos and mourning the loss of my girlish figure.  Lol.  Actually it was a nice trip down memory lane.  But I'll write more on that later.   

For now I've just landed in LAX - like the plane touched down as I started writing this paragraph.  I need to go to baggage claim because the idiot at LGA forced me to check my tiny bag.  Even though it was free it was still annoying because my bag wasn't too big or bulky.  Also, the flight wasn't full so there were all these empty compartments just laughing at me as I sulked in my seat before take off.  

I didn't sulk long though because I fell fast asleep as soon as the plane took off.  Again in true Dawn Fashion I'd waited until the last minute to pack and had only slept two hours.  When I woke up I decided to write about my trip.  It was really nice to get away from Los Angeles for a bit.  Especially during the Labor Day Weekend.  Mosquito bites, humidity, heavy rain and all - I enjoyed every bit.  

But I'm glad to be home and looking forward to sleeping in my own bed.  

Unbox Yourself | Reject the Labels

 I've been called many different names:  

"Don"
"The crazy one"
"Sharlena"

My sixth grade best friend jokingly called me "Coolio" after the rapper because I'd put my real hair into mini-braids that resembled his hair.

I was called "nugget" for most of my childhood because of the knot on my forehead caused by too many clumsy encounters with walls and other hard surfaces.

And then there was the time an NYU security guard referred to me as 'sucio' which is a Spanish word meaning dirty.  I was signing a boy into my dorm at about 3am and I guess he frowned on that sort of behavior - of course he had no way of knowing that the boy in question was my brother.

That one time, in college, I was a sidechick.  I didn't know it - I didn't know the guy I was hooking up with was cheating on his girlfriend with me and no amount of denying culpability after the fact would save my reputation so you could add "slut" and "homewrecker" to the list of names.  But I wasn't any of those things and at one point I decided to reject them.  It's not what people call you, it's what you answer to.  Once it clicked that I didn't have to be any of those things everything else fell into place.  

I suddenly understood that there will always be something about me that doesn't quite sit well with other people and that's just going to have be OK.  It used to bother me so much when people didn't like me.  I thought there was something wrong with me.  But now I say if someone doesn't like me that's their problem.  Not mine.  The truth is, I either possess qualities they hate about themselves or I possess qualities they want for themselves.  Either way it's for them to figure out - not me.  Friendships are tricky enough to navigate without me (or anyone) having to think for the other person or try to read their thoughts.

I read a book called "The Twisted Sisterhood" by Kelly Valen where she touched on some pretty heavy stuff regarding female friendships.  

The part that resonated with me was the chapter on Tribes, Packs and Cliques and how women who've been tormented by groups of women in their younger years (i.e. sororities, girls' camp, cheerleading squads) tend to shy away from big groups of women in their adult years (i.e. exercise classes, writing groups, Mommy & Me etc).  Reading this book helped me understand why I tend to avoid female groups and opt for one-on-one outings.  I have several female friends but I rarely hang out with more than one at a time.  It had never occurred to me that I was making the conscious effort to keep my girlfriends separate from each other for the purpose of self-preservation.


The book helped me to understood why I thought the way I did.  When we can pinpoint what is it about ourselves that makes us behave or react a certain way toward other people we can make better choices about how we treat those people.


When I find myself giving the unnecessary 'side eye' to someone else I pause to think about why I'm throwing shade.  Am I jealous?  Or do I recognize something in that person that I don't like about myself?  There's not always a simple answer - sometimes it turns out me and that other person just aren't a good match.  At least instead of wasting time and energy being snarky, backbiting or being angry and upset all the time, I'm able to sort out my feelings and decide what to do about that friendship.

I'm also more aware when other people are throwing shade at me and because I know it has nothing to do with me I can laugh it off without getting bent out of shape.  For instance, a girl at work is constantly making jokes or rolling her eyes at me whenever a male co-worker talks to me.  Whether we're flirting or not (we're not flirting - most of the males I work with are like 20.  I don't plan to hook up with 20-year-olds until I'm in my 40s) this co-worker just had jokes or snarky remarks and then would smile in my face like she just did something.  When I was 20 that kind of thing would have me in tears.  But now I see it for what it is and it doesn't bother me.

Once I stopped worrying about what other people thought of me life got so much easier.

In conclusion: 

1) Not everyone will like you. 

2) If someone doesn't like you that's their problem.
3) People can only treat you the way you allow them to treat you.  

It took me 15 years to accept that.  If you're just getting into your teen years learn it now and learn it fast.  Don't waste the sexiest years of your life chasing after people and trying to get them to like you.  You're better than that.  Know yourself and your worth and reject the rest.  Don't let anyone put you in any box or label you anything that isn't who you are.  

Go Be Happy.  Now.

Sidekick Girl: A State of Mind

For every 'It Girl' there is a trusty Sidekick.  

She's that girl you see trailing two steps behind, living in the shadows, playing second fiddle.  In movies and on TV, the sidekick girl role is usually played by a Person of Color.  She appears to be less attractive than the leading lady (so as not to pull focus, however, in real life this is not always the case) she has a nonexistent backstory and a 'sassy' attitude.  If you watch a lot of movies and TV like me you've seen this It Girl/ Sidekick Girl pairing a lot.  Maybe you've even seen yourself in one of those roles.

Funny or Die: The Black Best Friend with Casey Wilson

I wanted to see myself as the leading lady but I was actually the sidekick - to many different people not just to an 'It Girl'.  I was a follower, a people pleaser, a 'yes' girl and the girl whose name you forgot after I said it.  But this isn't just about surviving the Mean Girls experience because there were times when I was that "mean girl."  This is about how falling into that 'sidekick' role can happen to anyone and how you can be a sidekick to anyone (boyfriend, best friend, family member) if you allow it.

If you believe you're just a sidekick then you will be a sidekick.

I was bullied.  I grew up in a seriously unstable home environment.  I also lived in a White neighborhood and always felt like the token Black girl.  I had low self-esteem and I didn't know my self-worth.

So I had that sidekick girl mentality.

I didn't realize it until I moved to Los Angeles.  LA has a way of awakening your dormant insecurities, causing them to bubble up to the surface and spew all over your bathroom floor - oh wait that was me after too many Jägerbombs - but I digress.  

After I found out I was a sidekick girl I got depressed.  I partied hard.  I rebelled against authority figures, took my daddy issues out on boyfriends, dabbled with unprotected sex - once.  I cried a lot.  I drank a lot.  I had a lot of sex.

 

But then I realized none of that was working for me.  Gone were my 'sexy tipsy' days anyway.  Over the years I'd morphed into an angry drunk and on more than one occasion I would wake up the next morning with an insane hangover and this awful feeling that I owed someone an apology.  That was never a pleasant feeling.  But I would go do the same thing again and the cycle would continue.

I had my 'a-ha' moment when on a particularly low night I needed a friend and realized there was no one to reach out to - or who would take my call.  I knew then it was time to make some serious changes.

But a 'a-ha' moment didn't mean I suddenly had all the answers.  Plus there was still the issue of my drinking...and sex addiction but we'll get to that later.  I went to therapy, read a ton of self-improvement books, gave up drinking for awhile, sent apology (and goodbye) emails and waited for my life to magically get better.

It didn't.

I realized I wasn't going to undo years of damage overnight.  I was going to have to work at this everyday.  It's easy to sit on the sidelines and blame everyone else for your misery.  I did that for a long time until I figured out that was a waste of time.  I needed to take an active role in my own life.  Change doesn't just happen.  We make it happen.  No matter how scary it is or how hideous we look during the transition we have to go through that fire if we want to see radical results.

Because I can be sexy tipsy again.  I can laugh and be positive again.  I can meet new people and not automatically assume they're out to hurt me.  I can be lovable- I can believe I am lovable.  I just have to work at it.  Everyday.  Everyday until it just comes naturally.

Because I'm not a Sidekick Girl.  Despite the number of girls that look like me who play that role in movies - I know I wasn't born to play that role.  None of us was born to play that role.

So let's kick that Sidekick Girl mentality and take our rightful place in the spotlight.

Go Be Happy.  Now.
(Pictures by Orlando Mercado)