But Then You Get Over It

When it first happens you feel pretty bad about it.

It just kind of hovers over you like a dark rain cloud.  Sometimes it presents itself as a physical ailment like nausea or a migraine.  You might experience moments of deep humiliation or confusion and you might even start to question everything about your entire existence.

Rejection is a bitch.

You may react in different ways when you experience it depending on how sensitive you are. Personally, my reactions range from cursing, crying, extreme exercising, binge eating, binge drinking, sleeping for days at a time to completely shutting down emotionally and putting up my trusty force field to protect me from evil beings.

I don't handle rejection very well.

The worst part comes when I start to question everything about myself. That's the absolute worst part about rejection.  When you start to question yourself you're like three small steps away from hitting depression and that's a whole other battle. I was on this rejection-depression cycle for years before I finally figured out a way to deal with it.  It's not something I've mastered by any stretch of the imagination but I do have it under control.

To work through this tough cycle I remind myself that there will always be people out there who simply don't like me. Maybe they're jealous, maybe they're intimidated or they feel threatened or maybe they're just snobs or closet racists who simply think they're better than me. It doesn't matter what the reason is, there will always be someone who simply doesn't like me. I remind myself of that and then I tell myself that it's their problem not mine.  If you don't like me that's YOUR business.

Easier said than done, I know.

Sometimes it takes me physically looking in the mirror and telling myself this over and over again. Then I tell myself that getting all bent out of shape over people who don't care about me or my feelings (or my storyline) is such a waste of energy. I then work out or I get on my computer and start writing or shooting Youtube videos.

If I'm still feeling emotional after that, I let myself feel the rejection. I feel the humiliation, I feel the anger, the confusion and if the mood strikes - I cry.  Because it's personal and it hurts and I'm a human being and there's nothing wrong with that. Anyone who tells you not to take things "personally" is probably a jerk or completely clueless.  When you get rejected it is personal.

But you don't have to stay in that place.  You don't have to let that moment define you or stay with you. And most importantly don't let it or anyone make you question who you are.  No one should ever have that much power or influence in your life.

Yeah rejection sucks.

But after awhile the pain ebbs and you forget how humiliated and confused you were feeling.  It may takes minutes, days, weeks or even months but eventually you get over it. You get over those people, that moment, the hurtful words. You just stop caring. You move on with your life and seek happiness elsewhere.

Because for good people like you - there's always some good fortune coming your way.

Go Be Happy. Now.

On Realizing I Don't Owe Anyone An Explanation

The people in our lives are very curious about us, aren't they?

For some of our friends and family members, that curiosity isn't just about their overall concern for our well-being.

That curiosity is about their thirst for juicy gossip.

Beware of the friend who's always pumping you for information about your life, your other friendships, your family and especially your romantic involvements.  I'm not saying don't trust any of your friends.   I'm saying pay attention to the ones who always seem to want all the juicy details.  Odds are they're either looking for information that they can file away for future use or they're looking to be entertained.

Or both.

As a kid, I wanted everyone to like me.  I was way too trusting and I thought if someone was my friend that meant they were privy to every personal detail of my life.  Because of the circle of trust.  (I watched way too many episodes of FRIENDS and SEX AND THE CITY).

I thought friendship was about sharing all of my secrets and offering explanations when those shared secrets raised questions.

I should've listened to my mom.  She tried to warn me about people - especially females.  The kind of females who would be secretly jealous of my life.  Or the kind of females who mistook my kindness for weakness.  Or the kind of females who liked having a sidekick.  My mom tried to tell me to steer clear of those types of women but I didn't listen.

"But Dawn," she would caution, "Not everyone needs to know all your business.  Some things should stay private."

It turns out my mom was right.  At the time, I didn't heed her warnings.  So I learned my lesson the hard way.  After years of having friends turn out to be backstabbers and bullies and even thieves then turning around and throwing my personal stuff in my face - like my being out of work - I finally realized I should've been listening to my mom all along.

Recently, I was in a pointless argument with a girl who low-key threatened to expose all the secrets she'd kept of mine over the years.  I think she thought she had some kind of power over me because of the things I'd told her in confidence.

What she knows about me is honestly just fun little scandals you'll no-doubt find out about through my blogs and my Youtube channel.  So I'm not worried about her little threats.  Sure I had secrets on her too but obviously I'm a good person.  Just because I didn't want to be friends with her anymore didn't mean I needed to let the world see just how basic she was.  That wasn't my job.

But I was still pretty pissed off.  

That was the final straw - the final lesson that I needed to learn about toxic friendships and keeping my business to myself.
  
What I know now, as an adult, is that people will mistake your kindness for weakness.  They will be thirsty for juicy gossip and if you're the girl who's always sharing her personal business then they know who to go to for a fix.  People will also use your secrets against you if you're not careful.  Whether they throw them in your face during a terrible fight or tell anyone who will listen about that time you took a classmate's virginity as a favor to him - they will find a way to get leverage and to hurt you.

That's just how sucky people can be.

But I finally understand something about trust and how not everyone should automatically have my trust.  I also no longer feel like I owe anyone answers to their probing questions - no matter how much they insist that I share every gritty detail - I can simply say no.  I can change the subject.  I can politely tell them to mind their own business.

It's something I really have to work on too because telling people my business is like second nature.

I slipped up not too long ago with a new person who repeated something I'd said to a friend almost causing an argument between us.  She tried to play if off like she didn't mean to cause friction - and really only God knows her heart - but the circumstances were quite strange.

I'm still mentally kicking myself for that one because I should've known better.  

Protect your secrets.  Be mindful of the people you have in your circle.  It's a process for me.  This whole transformation is probably going to get a little ugly for awhile.  But I'm fighting for my happiness and my own peace of mind.  Everyday is a new day to try again.  

And at the end of the day it's worth it.  

Ray Rice and the Self-Defense Defense

Ray Rice is an animal.

A sadistic, sociopath.

He punched his then fiance in the face twice, knocking her out the second time.  Then dragged her unconscious body out of the elevator, then LIED and said he didn't punch her but pushed her and she bumped her head.  He's shown no remorse throughout this entire ordeal and he has yet to actually apologize to his now wife, Janay Palmer.  Yet he's got apologies in spades for his (former) teammates and his fans.  He's got crocodile tears to shed for losing his spot on the Ravens.  But as for the domestic violence against the mother of his child and the woman he's supposed to love?  Nothing.

I'd like nothing more than to see Ray Rice rot in jail along with Chris Brown, Floyd Mayweather and the rest of those assholes who enjoy using women as punching bags to work out their insecurities and shortcomings.

And what is this Self-Defense nonsense that all the Ray Rice supporters keep talking about?

Tell me in what universe does a slap justify a knockout?  Since when does a woman deserve a punch in the face for charging at someone or looking like she's going to hit someone?  Look at Janay and tell me how much bodily damage she could actually do to a trained boxer and a football player like Ray Rice?  It's not self-defense if she never actually got a hit in.  I don't care how much attitude she had or how loud she was or how emotional she seemed - that woman did not deserve to be punched in the face and then have her body dragged out of a hotel elevator.  She did not deserve to embarrass herself on national TV by apologizing for being abused.

I don't know a thing about Janay Palmer's upbringing.  I don't know if she'd been abused before she had the misfortune of meeting Ray Rice.  I don't know if she's always had low self-esteem or if this is something new.  What I do know is that I'm sad for her.  I'm also afraid for her well-being.  Because looking at the video footage and watching Ray Rice's body language as he followed her into the elevator it seems like he intended to engage in a physical altercation with her.  I've seen abuse first hand enough to know what it looks like.  He went into that elevator and practically stood on top of Janay  - breathing down on her like some kind of rabid animal - then he appeared to hit her before she charged him.  Those two punches happened so cavalierly that it made me believe he'd done it before.  And he'll do it again.  So I'm definitely afraid for Janay Palmer's well-being.

I'm disgusted that there are actually people out there who support Ray Rice.  Floyd Mayweather wished Ray Rice "nothing but the best."  Stephen A. Smith was telling us not to "close the door on a 27 year old."  Not to mention the dozens of hateful tweets I got from all the male Ray Rice supporters.

I'm also appalled by the women who have judged Janay Palmer's public defense of her abusive husband.  Sure it's infuriating that she went ahead and married him after what he did to her.  But turning against her and saying things like, "She got what she deserved" isn't going to help her or any woman in an abusive relationship.  I'm not saying "don't judge people because God is the only one that can judge our lives."  For those of you who do believe that - cool - but as for me and my house - fuck that.  I highly doubt God would frown upon me for judging Ray Rice.  So I will weigh in on this situation - I will cry out loud against domestic violence.  Ray Rice should be condemned for his actions and especially his lack of remorse.  As for Janay Palmer - that's something she will have to figure out in her own time.  We can't force her to see the light.  We can't force her to leave that toxic environment much as we'd like to.  All we can do is Pray for her.

As for this self-defense thing - maybe more women should start taking self-defense classes.  I know I'm considering it.  Let's be prepared just in case our so-called knights in shining armor turn into psychos.  We should be able to defend ourselves in situations like that.  Let's take it one step further and instead of ballet classes, let's start putting our daughters in Taekwon do classes.  Let's say, "Fuck the gender roles" and start lifting some goddamn weights.

Because I'm tired of being afraid that one day I'll be like Janay Palmer.  For me, abuse goes way back to my childhood starting with my alcoholic father.  In my early twenties I secretly thought I deserved to be in an abusive relationship with a man who made jokes about me being physically and sexually abused as a child whenever we fought and actually had the nerve to hit me - once.  I was lucky though - I got out of that relationship and eventually, I started to believe that I deserved better.

But I've been afraid ever since.  To the point where I walk into bars and immediately search for the unattended chairs and beer bottles I might have to use as weapons just in case people get too drunk and shit gets out of control.  I'm afraid all the time to the point where the cups of scalding hot coffee that I drink serve two functions; 1) caffeine and  2) potential weapon in case some asshole gets a little too close or looks at me the wrong way.  I'm afraid to the point where I don't want to be alone in a room with a man I don't think I could physically take.

I'm tired of being afraid.  I'm tired of being angry.  I'm tired of hearing all these stories that confirm my suspicions about how much men hate women.  I'm tired.  We are not here for the pleasures of men to do with as they please.  We have to find a way to make them understand that.

Because clearly they just aren't getting it.