Things I Would Tell My Younger Self

When I was in New York I got to go through some old boxes I'd left behind and found pictures from high school and college.

As I stared at those younger looking images of myself I started thinking about how much simpler life would've been if I'd known then what I know now.

If it were possible to have a chat with my younger self these are some of the things I would say:

Speak up when someone hurts you.  When a bully threatens to beat you up.  When a so-called friend calls you the 'N' word and laughs in your face.  Speak up.  Stand up for yourself.  Even if it means that bully following through with her threat and getting punched in the face.  Even if it means losing all your friends.  Don't crouch in a corner or stand on the sidelines and just take it hoping they'll get bored and move on.  Speak up - stand up for yourself.  Be loud about it.

It's OK to be on your own.  It builds character.

Don't make out with your boss.  It won't end well.

Don't go work at any summer camps after college.  It's a complete waste of time and on both occasions you'll be unfairly fired so don't do it.

That box of oatmeal pies won't make you feel better.

Don't leave your camera on the floor of your bedroom prom night.  It will get stolen either by your dad or one of his friends.  And dad won't buy you a new one despite his promise to.

Don't lose your virginity to get back at your ex-boyfriend.

So you know that woman who's always hanging around the choir director?  She's evil.  Possibly a racist.  Don't waste any of your energy trying to get on her good side or seek her approval.

Don't pass messages back and forth between friends.  There will be confusion and you'll end up getting blamed for everything.

Listen to your mom.  She loves you.

Try to be nice to your sister.

Put family first no matter what.

If someone calls you the n word or uses it ever don't associate with them.  They aren't your friends.  Also, don't have sex with White guys who use the N word.  It's degrading and you can do better.

Don't be so hard on yourself.  Everyone makes mistakes.

Don't take everything so seriously.

Don't follow the crowd.

Don't move to Los Angeles based on someone else's advice.

Don't take anyone's virginity as a favor to them.

Don't hook up with your guy friends.  Not on your birthday.  Not because he's drunk.  Not for any reason.  It will ruin everything.  And none of them will treat you like a real friend afterwards.

If you are sad or heartbroken it's OK to cry.  It doesn't make you weak.

Floss everyday.

Don't be afraid to go on adventures.  Whether that's exploring Harlem for the first time by yourself or spending a semester in London to intern at the BBC.  Do it.

Everything will work out in your favor if you just have Faith.  And work hard.

If they never call you just to check in or catch up - they aren't your friends.  Let them go.

Healthy competition between girlfriends is OK but if you find yourself constantly drained or angry and upset after spending time with someone cut them loose.  It's a toxic relationship.

Fall in love with one boy at a time.

Don't hook up with your teachers.

If you have to ask what the word "buck" means - you're not ready to fight.  Walk away.

Practice forgiveness.  Don't hold grudges or burn bridges because things didn't go your way.

Love yourself.

I'm sure there are a hundred other pieces of advice I could give myself too but then this post would never end.  Knowing me and how stubborn I was as a teenager, I probably wouldn't heed any of this advice.  But at least my younger self would know there was somebody (from the future) looking out for her - and since we both love time travel movies that little fact might actually make me cool in my younger self's book.

What would you tell your younger self?

Ray Rice and the Self-Defense Defense

Ray Rice is an animal.

A sadistic, sociopath.

He punched his then fiance in the face twice, knocking her out the second time.  Then dragged her unconscious body out of the elevator, then LIED and said he didn't punch her but pushed her and she bumped her head.  He's shown no remorse throughout this entire ordeal and he has yet to actually apologize to his now wife, Janay Palmer.  Yet he's got apologies in spades for his (former) teammates and his fans.  He's got crocodile tears to shed for losing his spot on the Ravens.  But as for the domestic violence against the mother of his child and the woman he's supposed to love?  Nothing.

I'd like nothing more than to see Ray Rice rot in jail along with Chris Brown, Floyd Mayweather and the rest of those assholes who enjoy using women as punching bags to work out their insecurities and shortcomings.

And what is this Self-Defense nonsense that all the Ray Rice supporters keep talking about?

Tell me in what universe does a slap justify a knockout?  Since when does a woman deserve a punch in the face for charging at someone or looking like she's going to hit someone?  Look at Janay and tell me how much bodily damage she could actually do to a trained boxer and a football player like Ray Rice?  It's not self-defense if she never actually got a hit in.  I don't care how much attitude she had or how loud she was or how emotional she seemed - that woman did not deserve to be punched in the face and then have her body dragged out of a hotel elevator.  She did not deserve to embarrass herself on national TV by apologizing for being abused.

I don't know a thing about Janay Palmer's upbringing.  I don't know if she'd been abused before she had the misfortune of meeting Ray Rice.  I don't know if she's always had low self-esteem or if this is something new.  What I do know is that I'm sad for her.  I'm also afraid for her well-being.  Because looking at the video footage and watching Ray Rice's body language as he followed her into the elevator it seems like he intended to engage in a physical altercation with her.  I've seen abuse first hand enough to know what it looks like.  He went into that elevator and practically stood on top of Janay  - breathing down on her like some kind of rabid animal - then he appeared to hit her before she charged him.  Those two punches happened so cavalierly that it made me believe he'd done it before.  And he'll do it again.  So I'm definitely afraid for Janay Palmer's well-being.

I'm disgusted that there are actually people out there who support Ray Rice.  Floyd Mayweather wished Ray Rice "nothing but the best."  Stephen A. Smith was telling us not to "close the door on a 27 year old."  Not to mention the dozens of hateful tweets I got from all the male Ray Rice supporters.

I'm also appalled by the women who have judged Janay Palmer's public defense of her abusive husband.  Sure it's infuriating that she went ahead and married him after what he did to her.  But turning against her and saying things like, "She got what she deserved" isn't going to help her or any woman in an abusive relationship.  I'm not saying "don't judge people because God is the only one that can judge our lives."  For those of you who do believe that - cool - but as for me and my house - fuck that.  I highly doubt God would frown upon me for judging Ray Rice.  So I will weigh in on this situation - I will cry out loud against domestic violence.  Ray Rice should be condemned for his actions and especially his lack of remorse.  As for Janay Palmer - that's something she will have to figure out in her own time.  We can't force her to see the light.  We can't force her to leave that toxic environment much as we'd like to.  All we can do is Pray for her.

As for this self-defense thing - maybe more women should start taking self-defense classes.  I know I'm considering it.  Let's be prepared just in case our so-called knights in shining armor turn into psychos.  We should be able to defend ourselves in situations like that.  Let's take it one step further and instead of ballet classes, let's start putting our daughters in Taekwon do classes.  Let's say, "Fuck the gender roles" and start lifting some goddamn weights.

Because I'm tired of being afraid that one day I'll be like Janay Palmer.  For me, abuse goes way back to my childhood starting with my alcoholic father.  In my early twenties I secretly thought I deserved to be in an abusive relationship with a man who made jokes about me being physically and sexually abused as a child whenever we fought and actually had the nerve to hit me - once.  I was lucky though - I got out of that relationship and eventually, I started to believe that I deserved better.

But I've been afraid ever since.  To the point where I walk into bars and immediately search for the unattended chairs and beer bottles I might have to use as weapons just in case people get too drunk and shit gets out of control.  I'm afraid all the time to the point where the cups of scalding hot coffee that I drink serve two functions; 1) caffeine and  2) potential weapon in case some asshole gets a little too close or looks at me the wrong way.  I'm afraid to the point where I don't want to be alone in a room with a man I don't think I could physically take.

I'm tired of being afraid.  I'm tired of being angry.  I'm tired of hearing all these stories that confirm my suspicions about how much men hate women.  I'm tired.  We are not here for the pleasures of men to do with as they please.  We have to find a way to make them understand that.

Because clearly they just aren't getting it.

Unbox Yourself | Reject the Labels

 I've been called many different names:  

"Don"
"The crazy one"
"Sharlena"

My sixth grade best friend jokingly called me "Coolio" after the rapper because I'd put my real hair into mini-braids that resembled his hair.

I was called "nugget" for most of my childhood because of the knot on my forehead caused by too many clumsy encounters with walls and other hard surfaces.

And then there was the time an NYU security guard referred to me as 'sucio' which is a Spanish word meaning dirty.  I was signing a boy into my dorm at about 3am and I guess he frowned on that sort of behavior - of course he had no way of knowing that the boy in question was my brother.

That one time, in college, I was a sidechick.  I didn't know it - I didn't know the guy I was hooking up with was cheating on his girlfriend with me and no amount of denying culpability after the fact would save my reputation so you could add "slut" and "homewrecker" to the list of names.  But I wasn't any of those things and at one point I decided to reject them.  It's not what people call you, it's what you answer to.  Once it clicked that I didn't have to be any of those things everything else fell into place.  

I suddenly understood that there will always be something about me that doesn't quite sit well with other people and that's just going to have be OK.  It used to bother me so much when people didn't like me.  I thought there was something wrong with me.  But now I say if someone doesn't like me that's their problem.  Not mine.  The truth is, I either possess qualities they hate about themselves or I possess qualities they want for themselves.  Either way it's for them to figure out - not me.  Friendships are tricky enough to navigate without me (or anyone) having to think for the other person or try to read their thoughts.

I read a book called "The Twisted Sisterhood" by Kelly Valen where she touched on some pretty heavy stuff regarding female friendships.  

The part that resonated with me was the chapter on Tribes, Packs and Cliques and how women who've been tormented by groups of women in their younger years (i.e. sororities, girls' camp, cheerleading squads) tend to shy away from big groups of women in their adult years (i.e. exercise classes, writing groups, Mommy & Me etc).  Reading this book helped me understand why I tend to avoid female groups and opt for one-on-one outings.  I have several female friends but I rarely hang out with more than one at a time.  It had never occurred to me that I was making the conscious effort to keep my girlfriends separate from each other for the purpose of self-preservation.


The book helped me to understood why I thought the way I did.  When we can pinpoint what is it about ourselves that makes us behave or react a certain way toward other people we can make better choices about how we treat those people.


When I find myself giving the unnecessary 'side eye' to someone else I pause to think about why I'm throwing shade.  Am I jealous?  Or do I recognize something in that person that I don't like about myself?  There's not always a simple answer - sometimes it turns out me and that other person just aren't a good match.  At least instead of wasting time and energy being snarky, backbiting or being angry and upset all the time, I'm able to sort out my feelings and decide what to do about that friendship.

I'm also more aware when other people are throwing shade at me and because I know it has nothing to do with me I can laugh it off without getting bent out of shape.  For instance, a girl at work is constantly making jokes or rolling her eyes at me whenever a male co-worker talks to me.  Whether we're flirting or not (we're not flirting - most of the males I work with are like 20.  I don't plan to hook up with 20-year-olds until I'm in my 40s) this co-worker just had jokes or snarky remarks and then would smile in my face like she just did something.  When I was 20 that kind of thing would have me in tears.  But now I see it for what it is and it doesn't bother me.

Once I stopped worrying about what other people thought of me life got so much easier.

In conclusion: 

1) Not everyone will like you. 

2) If someone doesn't like you that's their problem.
3) People can only treat you the way you allow them to treat you.  

It took me 15 years to accept that.  If you're just getting into your teen years learn it now and learn it fast.  Don't waste the sexiest years of your life chasing after people and trying to get them to like you.  You're better than that.  Know yourself and your worth and reject the rest.  Don't let anyone put you in any box or label you anything that isn't who you are.  

Go Be Happy.  Now.