New People Anxiety

I knew that at some point, after all the big chopping, allergy testing and cutting toxic people out of my life was done I would eventually make new contacts - whether I was ready for it or not.

I wasn't sure when it would happen or if it would happen.  I think part of me imagined myself living out my days in Los Angeles without ever interacting with anyone again.  At least I'd avoid getting hurt.

But that's no way to live.

Now I'm suddenly in London and I don't feel the need to stay indoors all the time.  In fact, part of me feels excited about the prospect of meeting new people.  The other part of me is scared to death.

Maybe it's strange to some that I have anxiety about meeting new people.  I find it strange myself, especially since I used to think of myself as a gregarious person.  Deep down, underneath all this fear and anger I believe there is still that happy, outgoing, fearless girl running around with her heart on her sleeve.  I want to be her again.  I feel like I could be her again - only wiser and more careful.

I just need to get past this part right here.

I'm doing my mental checklist and reviewing my Former Sidekick Girl Code of Conduct.  As I meet new people in this new environment, I'm carefully monitoring my own behavior and watching out for any red flags.  So far no red flags but one thing I learned the hard way is that people don't always reveal their true selves right away so I'm being cautious and vigilant.  I'm still approachable and friendly but I know my boundaries and I'm taking care not to misrepresent myself as a doormat.  Or a sidekick.

The good thing about going into a new friendship cautiously is that you can observe the new people coming into your life at a safe distance.  I like to pay close attention to a person's actions.  Do they like to gossip about mutual friends?  Do they throw shade and try to play it off as a joke?  Are they the type to leave you hanging or drop you for a better offer?  These are small infractions.  They don't necessarily means someone is a bad person but if that's not the type of behavior you want to deal with at this stage of your life then I recommend reconsidering how much time you want to spend with those type of people.

Personally, I've had my fill of the catty, the backstabbers, the drainers, the users and the unreliable friends.  I don't want to develop a friendship with someone who clearly looks down on me and only wants to hang out when it's convenient for them.  I don't want to be in a friendship where I feel the need to match the energy level of someone else who's clearly performing.

I did all that.

Now I'm ready for real friendships.  People who will go out of their way for you.  People who invite you out not out of obligation but because they genuinely want you to show up.  People who make you laugh not because they're cracking jokes about another person but because they actually know how to hold an interesting conversation.

I used to be a friendship chameleon and a doormat and even a mean girl.  I was probably at my worst in musical theatre school because I wanted so badly to fit in and be liked.

I lost myself and it took a long time to find my way back.

I won't make that same mistake this time around.  Not joining in with the rest of the herd might not make me popular but at least I'll find the real friendships I'm searching for.



Go Be Happy.  Now.

Things I Would Tell My Younger Self

When I was in New York I got to go through some old boxes I'd left behind and found pictures from high school and college.

As I stared at those younger looking images of myself I started thinking about how much simpler life would've been if I'd known then what I know now.

If it were possible to have a chat with my younger self these are some of the things I would say:

Speak up when someone hurts you.  When a bully threatens to beat you up.  When a so-called friend calls you the 'N' word and laughs in your face.  Speak up.  Stand up for yourself.  Even if it means that bully following through with her threat and getting punched in the face.  Even if it means losing all your friends.  Don't crouch in a corner or stand on the sidelines and just take it hoping they'll get bored and move on.  Speak up - stand up for yourself.  Be loud about it.

It's OK to be on your own.  It builds character.

Don't make out with your boss.  It won't end well.

Don't go work at any summer camps after college.  It's a complete waste of time and on both occasions you'll be unfairly fired so don't do it.

That box of oatmeal pies won't make you feel better.

Don't leave your camera on the floor of your bedroom prom night.  It will get stolen either by your dad or one of his friends.  And dad won't buy you a new one despite his promise to.

Don't lose your virginity to get back at your ex-boyfriend.

So you know that woman who's always hanging around the choir director?  She's evil.  Possibly a racist.  Don't waste any of your energy trying to get on her good side or seek her approval.

Don't pass messages back and forth between friends.  There will be confusion and you'll end up getting blamed for everything.

Listen to your mom.  She loves you.

Try to be nice to your sister.

Put family first no matter what.

If someone calls you the n word or uses it ever don't associate with them.  They aren't your friends.  Also, don't have sex with White guys who use the N word.  It's degrading and you can do better.

Don't be so hard on yourself.  Everyone makes mistakes.

Don't take everything so seriously.

Don't follow the crowd.

Don't move to Los Angeles based on someone else's advice.

Don't take anyone's virginity as a favor to them.

Don't hook up with your guy friends.  Not on your birthday.  Not because he's drunk.  Not for any reason.  It will ruin everything.  And none of them will treat you like a real friend afterwards.

If you are sad or heartbroken it's OK to cry.  It doesn't make you weak.

Floss everyday.

Don't be afraid to go on adventures.  Whether that's exploring Harlem for the first time by yourself or spending a semester in London to intern at the BBC.  Do it.

Everything will work out in your favor if you just have Faith.  And work hard.

If they never call you just to check in or catch up - they aren't your friends.  Let them go.

Healthy competition between girlfriends is OK but if you find yourself constantly drained or angry and upset after spending time with someone cut them loose.  It's a toxic relationship.

Fall in love with one boy at a time.

Don't hook up with your teachers.

If you have to ask what the word "buck" means - you're not ready to fight.  Walk away.

Practice forgiveness.  Don't hold grudges or burn bridges because things didn't go your way.

Love yourself.

I'm sure there are a hundred other pieces of advice I could give myself too but then this post would never end.  Knowing me and how stubborn I was as a teenager, I probably wouldn't heed any of this advice.  But at least my younger self would know there was somebody (from the future) looking out for her - and since we both love time travel movies that little fact might actually make me cool in my younger self's book.

What would you tell your younger self?