Attitude Adjustment

I spent the day updating my retail resume and for the first time since graduating from college I didn't feel like it was a complete waste of time.  In fact, I actually felt a sense of accomplishment.

Look who finally had an attitude adjustment.

I guess I've been walking around with a chip on my shoulder.  I never would have admitted it before because I didn't want to be the 'angry Black girl', but the truth is I was angry.

I had an attitude problem.  I had good reason to be angry but being angry didn't solve anything.  It didn't change or improve my life one bit.  It didn't get me the career or the friends I wanted.  It certainly didn't punish the people who'd made me angry.  All it did was poison my life kept me in the exact same place all these years.  

So I had to change my attitude and release all that anger.  

Changing my attitude meant being truly thankful for the jobs that I did have instead of looking down on them because they weren't my dream jobs.  Changing my attitude meant working just as hard at my retails jobs as I would for any film job.  Changing my attitude meant finding a way to deal with my anger without letting it consume me and hold me back.  It meant fighting for the life I wanted and finding a way to be happy.

Occasionally I may still have a chip on my shoulder.  I may, on occasion, feel angry.  But I don't have to let that chip or that anger take hold of me and prevent me from doing everything in my power to reach my full potential.

So today I've been updating my retail resume and I'm perfectly happy to do it.

Taking Time to Be Alone

For the past couple of years I've been spending a lot of time alone.

I stepped away from almost all of my friendships and just kind of went in for awhile.  It was lonely but it gave me a chance to get to know myself.   During that time I realized there were things I liked about myself that I wouldn't change and then there were things I needed to take a closer look at.  

I also took time to reflect on the friendships I'd stepped away from - all of them, not just the toxic ones - and I could see who was missing from my life.  The absence of those healthy relationships was noticeable.  So when it was time to face the world again those were the friendships I focused on rekindling.

I like to call this process of stepping away from people and slowly reintegrating them back into my life my Friendship Allergy Test.

As I started opening myself up to friendships again I was very aware of how I reacted to their presence.  If I found myself breaking out in hives or sneezing uncontrollably around certain people I knew I was allergic to their B.S. and would need to keep my distance.  So far, the allergy test has worked wonders.  I've had almost no allergic reactions.

I don't hang out with people who make me break out in hives.  I don't hang out with people who spend the entire night making fun of me or criticizing me or asking me personal questions about my life because they're thirsty for juicy gossip.  I don't spend time with people who are competitive with me or condescending or judgmental of me.  I don't spend time with people who make me uncomfortable or give me ulcers.  Most importantly, I don't spend time with people who physically assault me.  It's been awesome.

The friendships I'm rekindling are even better than they'd been before I had my breakthrough.  So - yay!  It works.  Now maybe you won't have a physical reaction to people like breaking out in hives or getting ulcers but internally you'll know if someone isn't a right fit.  You should pay attention to that little voice that's trying to warn you about a potential toxic friendship.

If you can't hear that voice, then take some time to be alone and get to know yourself.  Being able to be alone is important.  If you can't spend time by yourself how can you expect anyone else to want to spend time with you?  I had to get used to it.  To the silence.  To hearing only my own thoughts.  But as time went on I got better at being alone.  Now I absolutely cherish my alone time.

Real friends, by the way, will allow you to step away for a bit and take some time to yourself.  They won't guilt trip you or try to pressure you into remaining that fun, party girl who always drank too much and made a fool of herself.  Real friends want you to get your shit together.  They'll support you while you're doing it and they won't make it all about them.

As you do your friendship allergy test take note of who's being an understanding friend and who's making it all about them.  Most likely the people making it all about them will be the people you won't miss.

Go Be Happy.  Now.

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Read That Former Sidekick Girl's Code of Conduct 

Sidekick Girl: A State of Mind

For every 'It Girl' there is a trusty Sidekick.  

She's that girl you see trailing two steps behind, living in the shadows, playing second fiddle.  In movies and on TV, the sidekick girl role is usually played by a Person of Color.  She appears to be less attractive than the leading lady (so as not to pull focus, however, in real life this is not always the case) she has a nonexistent backstory and a 'sassy' attitude.  If you watch a lot of movies and TV like me you've seen this It Girl/ Sidekick Girl pairing a lot.  Maybe you've even seen yourself in one of those roles.

Funny or Die: The Black Best Friend with Casey Wilson

I wanted to see myself as the leading lady but I was actually the sidekick - to many different people not just to an 'It Girl'.  I was a follower, a people pleaser, a 'yes' girl and the girl whose name you forgot after I said it.  But this isn't just about surviving the Mean Girls experience because there were times when I was that "mean girl."  This is about how falling into that 'sidekick' role can happen to anyone and how you can be a sidekick to anyone (boyfriend, best friend, family member) if you allow it.

If you believe you're just a sidekick then you will be a sidekick.

I was bullied.  I grew up in a seriously unstable home environment.  I also lived in a White neighborhood and always felt like the token Black girl.  I had low self-esteem and I didn't know my self-worth.

So I had that sidekick girl mentality.

I didn't realize it until I moved to Los Angeles.  LA has a way of awakening your dormant insecurities, causing them to bubble up to the surface and spew all over your bathroom floor - oh wait that was me after too many Jägerbombs - but I digress.  

After I found out I was a sidekick girl I got depressed.  I partied hard.  I rebelled against authority figures, took my daddy issues out on boyfriends, dabbled with unprotected sex - once.  I cried a lot.  I drank a lot.  I had a lot of sex.

 

But then I realized none of that was working for me.  Gone were my 'sexy tipsy' days anyway.  Over the years I'd morphed into an angry drunk and on more than one occasion I would wake up the next morning with an insane hangover and this awful feeling that I owed someone an apology.  That was never a pleasant feeling.  But I would go do the same thing again and the cycle would continue.

I had my 'a-ha' moment when on a particularly low night I needed a friend and realized there was no one to reach out to - or who would take my call.  I knew then it was time to make some serious changes.

But a 'a-ha' moment didn't mean I suddenly had all the answers.  Plus there was still the issue of my drinking...and sex addiction but we'll get to that later.  I went to therapy, read a ton of self-improvement books, gave up drinking for awhile, sent apology (and goodbye) emails and waited for my life to magically get better.

It didn't.

I realized I wasn't going to undo years of damage overnight.  I was going to have to work at this everyday.  It's easy to sit on the sidelines and blame everyone else for your misery.  I did that for a long time until I figured out that was a waste of time.  I needed to take an active role in my own life.  Change doesn't just happen.  We make it happen.  No matter how scary it is or how hideous we look during the transition we have to go through that fire if we want to see radical results.

Because I can be sexy tipsy again.  I can laugh and be positive again.  I can meet new people and not automatically assume they're out to hurt me.  I can be lovable- I can believe I am lovable.  I just have to work at it.  Everyday.  Everyday until it just comes naturally.

Because I'm not a Sidekick Girl.  Despite the number of girls that look like me who play that role in movies - I know I wasn't born to play that role.  None of us was born to play that role.

So let's kick that Sidekick Girl mentality and take our rightful place in the spotlight.

Go Be Happy.  Now.
(Pictures by Orlando Mercado)