How to be a Leading Lady

I'm looking at my reflection in the mirror - well I was just before writing this post - and I was thinking, "I look like a leading lady."

This is new for me to feel this way about myself.  I've always felt like I could be a leading lady if I looked a certain way.  I would often joke that I was a leading lady trapped inside a sidekick girl's body.  Deep down I knew I had potential to do something significant with my life but I was so stuck on my looks that I had zero confidence to do anything.  And so I became stuck.  It wasn't until I pledged to turn away from my sidekick girl ways that I started feeling, looking and behaving like a leading lady.

As I mentioned in my previous post, I grew up in an unstable home environment.  At school, I was bullied and I lived in a predominately White area so often I experienced racism.  To cope with all that I escaped into the magical world of movies - specifically romantic comedies.  I wanted to be Anne Hathaway meeting her grandmother for the first time and discovering she was a princess.  I wanted to play 'Baby' and dirty dance with some hot guy while on a family vacation ("I carried a watermelon").  I wanted to be the girl next door (not the movie, although it was a decent movie but I never fancied myself playing a porn star).  I wanted to be America's Sweetheart.

At a young age it never escaped my attention that the majority of those leading lady roles were played by White women and when I saw a Black woman she was stereotypical (ghetto, uneducated, sexualized).  I could still love the characters in the stories despite the skin color but I wanted more representation of me.  I craved it.  But over the years I kept seeing the same White people tell the same stories that I loved over and over again.  I'm ashamed to admit that not seeing a positive representation of Black women in the media started to influence the way I saw myself.  Because of the lack of Black women playing the kinds of roles I liked to watch I started to think those Leading Lady roles were not for Black women.  On a subconscious level I started to believe that the sidekick roles were the best I'd be able to do.

Thank goodness I started practicing self-love.  It wasn't an easy switch.  I really had to be a bit of a train wreck out here in these LA streets for a long time before I decided to get it together.  But now I'm training my brain to think positive thoughts when I look at myself in the mirror.  I say it out loud, "I am a leading lady.  I turn heads when I walk in the room.  I shine bright.  I am full of joy.  I am a good person.  I am beautiful.  I deserve to be happy."

What do you think when you look in the mirror?  Do you think you look like a leading lady?

I know not everyone lives their lives through movies like me.  I have a degree in Film/TV production and as I mentioned I've been obsessed with movies since I was an infant so comparing real life to characters in films is second nature to me.  But I'm sure you can make the leap and have all this be relevant to your individual lives as well.  You deserve that raise or promotion.  You deserve to be in a loving relationship with the right man or woman.  You deserve the fairytale wedding.  You deserve that national commercial.  You deserve to travel the world.  You deserve to be a homeowner.  You deserve to be your own boss.  You deserve 500,000 subscribers on Youtube.  Whatever it is that you want to be  you can be.

Say it over and over again.  Will it into existence.  Dress the part.  Put on the power suit that makes you walk taller.  Wear that ravishing red lipstick that makes you feel fierce.  Do whatever you have to do to get hype so that by the time you walk out the door after giving yourself that morning peptalk - can't nobody tell you nuthin'!

Much in the way that thinking of yourself as a sidekick will make you a sidekick - seeing yourself as a leading lady will, in fact, make you a leading lady.  So keep telling yourself that you are talented and gifted - and beautiful.  Say it over and over and over again until you believe it.  Then watch what happens.

I look like a leading lady now - not because I'm wearing make-up and doing my hair and putting on pretty dresses (although it is important to put some effort into your appearance.  Especially on low-energy, depressive days, getting gussied up helps to elevate the mood).

I look like a Leading Lady because I'm embracing who I am, changing what I don't like, throwing away what doesn't serve me and I'm chasing my dreams!  I look like a Leading Lady because I believe I am a Leading Lady.

Let me be a little more cliche and add, "I think, therefore, I am."

I hope all you lovely Leading Ladies have an amazing weekend.  See you with a new post on Sunday.

Go Be Happy.  Now.

xoxo

Sidekick Girl: A State of Mind

For every 'It Girl' there is a trusty Sidekick.  

She's that girl you see trailing two steps behind, living in the shadows, playing second fiddle.  In movies and on TV, the sidekick girl role is usually played by a Person of Color.  She appears to be less attractive than the leading lady (so as not to pull focus, however, in real life this is not always the case) she has a nonexistent backstory and a 'sassy' attitude.  If you watch a lot of movies and TV like me you've seen this It Girl/ Sidekick Girl pairing a lot.  Maybe you've even seen yourself in one of those roles.

Funny or Die: The Black Best Friend with Casey Wilson

I wanted to see myself as the leading lady but I was actually the sidekick - to many different people not just to an 'It Girl'.  I was a follower, a people pleaser, a 'yes' girl and the girl whose name you forgot after I said it.  But this isn't just about surviving the Mean Girls experience because there were times when I was that "mean girl."  This is about how falling into that 'sidekick' role can happen to anyone and how you can be a sidekick to anyone (boyfriend, best friend, family member) if you allow it.

If you believe you're just a sidekick then you will be a sidekick.

I was bullied.  I grew up in a seriously unstable home environment.  I also lived in a White neighborhood and always felt like the token Black girl.  I had low self-esteem and I didn't know my self-worth.

So I had that sidekick girl mentality.

I didn't realize it until I moved to Los Angeles.  LA has a way of awakening your dormant insecurities, causing them to bubble up to the surface and spew all over your bathroom floor - oh wait that was me after too many Jägerbombs - but I digress.  

After I found out I was a sidekick girl I got depressed.  I partied hard.  I rebelled against authority figures, took my daddy issues out on boyfriends, dabbled with unprotected sex - once.  I cried a lot.  I drank a lot.  I had a lot of sex.

 

But then I realized none of that was working for me.  Gone were my 'sexy tipsy' days anyway.  Over the years I'd morphed into an angry drunk and on more than one occasion I would wake up the next morning with an insane hangover and this awful feeling that I owed someone an apology.  That was never a pleasant feeling.  But I would go do the same thing again and the cycle would continue.

I had my 'a-ha' moment when on a particularly low night I needed a friend and realized there was no one to reach out to - or who would take my call.  I knew then it was time to make some serious changes.

But a 'a-ha' moment didn't mean I suddenly had all the answers.  Plus there was still the issue of my drinking...and sex addiction but we'll get to that later.  I went to therapy, read a ton of self-improvement books, gave up drinking for awhile, sent apology (and goodbye) emails and waited for my life to magically get better.

It didn't.

I realized I wasn't going to undo years of damage overnight.  I was going to have to work at this everyday.  It's easy to sit on the sidelines and blame everyone else for your misery.  I did that for a long time until I figured out that was a waste of time.  I needed to take an active role in my own life.  Change doesn't just happen.  We make it happen.  No matter how scary it is or how hideous we look during the transition we have to go through that fire if we want to see radical results.

Because I can be sexy tipsy again.  I can laugh and be positive again.  I can meet new people and not automatically assume they're out to hurt me.  I can be lovable- I can believe I am lovable.  I just have to work at it.  Everyday.  Everyday until it just comes naturally.

Because I'm not a Sidekick Girl.  Despite the number of girls that look like me who play that role in movies - I know I wasn't born to play that role.  None of us was born to play that role.

So let's kick that Sidekick Girl mentality and take our rightful place in the spotlight.

Go Be Happy.  Now.
(Pictures by Orlando Mercado)