I can't afford valium but I can afford alcohol

I had a tough day last week.

I hope you didn't think this blog was only going to chronicle all the good parts of my post sidekick girl life.  If so, I'm sorry to say you'll be disappointed.  I have decided to pursue a life that makes me happy without all the friendship drama but that doesn't mean there aren't bad days.

And I do still have bad days.
My bad days generally involve a lot of crying and feeling overwhelmed and full of dread.
A panic attack basically.

As a child I got them pretty often.  But when you grow up in a Christian home they aren't called panic attacks.  You're either attention starved or possessed by the devil.  But I was hurting and I needed help.

As an adult I rarely get them.  The last one was well over a year ago.  So I count even this moment of complete overwhelming devastation a victory.  Because somehow - despite that overwhelming feeling of dread and temporary fear of going outside - I managed to leave my apartment and get to work- albeit an hour late.

In the past panic attacks kept me indoors for days.  I called off work.  Skipped class.  Shut myself off from the world because I couldn't deal.

But now I guess I can deal.

I am dealing.

I met a new girl who told me that she takes Valium for her panic attacks.  I've never taken Valium or any type of depression medication before.  I don't know much about it aside from what I've read in books or seen in movies starring spoiled rich white kids and women who start drinking wine at 10am.  All I know is that it's supposed to help ease the anxiety.  I'm not the type to put random pills into my body.  The closest I ever came to that was diet pills- which I don't do anymore. 

Plus I can't afford Valium.

I can, however, afford alcohol.  Don't judge me but a little bit of alcohol goes a long way.  A glass of red wine.  A shot of whiskey.  Or a bit of Khalua in my morning coffee usually does the trick.  *This is not me giving out advice.  Please don't follow my lead here.  I'm merely sharing apart of my life as I continue to work on myself.  I don't think alcohol solves any problems.  If you choose to see it as a cry for help then by all means feel free to pray for me.

This is just how I cope for now.

I haven't made it to the other side of perfect yet.  I only just started this journey and I have a long way to go.  So there are still hard days- really hard days.  Being on my own without the distraction of toxic, drama-filled friendships means I have more time to work on myself. 

And that's a good thing.
But sometimes it takes a little sip of something to get me through the dark days.

 

I can afford a sip here and there.